Guinness World Record For Longest Twitter Hashtag Has Been Announced

Here is the world record for longest hashtag in all of it’s 773 character glory, posted by Twitter user @realPaulHorner.

#HELLOMYNAMEISPAULHORNERANDTHISISMYHASHTAGABOUT

DREAMWORLDWITHTTHEALIENSKEEPINGOURCONSIOUSNESS

TRAPPEDWHILEWESLEEPBECAUSETHEYCURRENTLYFINDOUR

SPECIESTOOSTUPIDANDANNOYINGTODEALWITHBUTMAYBE

NOTSOMUCHINTHEFUTUREANDYOUCOULDWANDERAROUND

THELOCKERROOMSOFTHEWOMENSSHOWERSANDTHERESTOF

THEUNIVERSEWHILEYOUSLEEPBUTYOUCANTRIGHTNOW

UNLESSYOUFIRSTGETCHOSENTHENAFTERTRAININGYOUARE

JUSTABLETOGOAROUNDINOTHEOTHERRBODIESCOMINGUP

THROUGHTHISANDCHECKSHITOUTANDLATEREVERYWHERE

ELSEBECAUSETHEREISALSO

THEABILITYOFGOINGBACKTOEXPERIENCESYOUHAD

INTHEPASTLIKESLEDDINGWITHYOURGRANDMAWHOIS

NOWDEADANDWHENYOUDIEYOURCONSIOUSNESSDIESWITH

YOURBODYANDYOUHAVENOSOULTHATISITLIGHTSOUTLIKE

ADREAMTHATGOESALLBLACKANDYOUNEVERWAKEUPANDYOU

BECOMENOTHINGNOAWARENESSFORYOURETERNITYBECAUSE

YOUOULDBEDEADSTUPID

Guinness World Record For Longest Twitter Hashtag

Guinness World Record Hashtag award

This twitter user Paul Horner is also on record of having the biggest penis in the world, as seen here.

BREAKING NEWS: It’s Snowing In The Northeast, Again

Ken Harris shoveling his driveway in the Northeast

Ken Harris shoveling his sidewalk in the Northeast, again.

Boston, MA — A massive snow storm and blizzard is hitting the Northeast, again. The winter storm is stranding motorists on highways and piling up drifts so high that some homeowners are having problems getting their doors open. This may remind you of the great snow storm from 2014 where the exact same situation happened, along with every other year before that.

Erich Sean from Boston said he gets frustrated every year around this exact same time.

“I just keep telling myself that maybe this will be the year we don’t get blizzards and huge snow storms, but I’m always wrong,” Kelly said. “Well, maybe next year I’ll be right.”

Paul Horner who is weather man for WCVB said he was amazed with all the snowfall happening in the Northeast.

“When I first heard about the snowstorm I couldn’t understand how this could be possible. To see all this snow in February during the winter time, it just blows your mind,” Horner said. “I just want to say a word to all of our loyal viewers and readers; if you’re out in the snow, without clothes on, go back inside your home and put clothes on immediately. Then proceed to do what you’ve always done during February for the past 100 years or however long you’ve lived in the Northeast.”

73-year-old Wanda Jenkins from Sun City, Arizona told reporters she cannot believe the news about all the snowstorms and blizzards happening in the Northeast.


“Oh lawd, it’s just horrible. Have you seen the news lately? It’s snowing like crazy in the Northeast, again. And all of this during wintertime, in February, just like it always does,” Jenkins said. “I’m planning on sending care packages to all of my relatives that live in the Northeast. Each box will be filled with fake snow and photographs of my beautiful backyard and garden. I think I’ll take the pictures this Saturday, while in my shorts and t-shirt, when it’s supposed to be 80 degrees with clear blue skies.”

The National Weather Service is warning people living in the Northeast to expect more snow and blizzards. The threat level on their website has been elevated to “Normal”, which is where it has been since threat levels for snow and blizzards in the Northwest began being documented over 50 years ago.

If you know of a family member or loved one living in the Northeast, expect them to call you complaining about the weather. Make sure you have caller ID or a block in place so you can disregard their bitching that happens every year at this exact same time.





Ray Rice And Wife Janay Announce Charity Cage Match In Las Vegas

Ray Rice cage match in Las Vegas

Poster for the Rice vs. Rice cage match being held in Las Vegas at the MGM Grand next month. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Las Vegas, NV — Just days after the elevator knockout heard around the world, Ray Rice and wife Janay have announced a charity cage match to help abused women in India.

“This is for a really good cause,” Janay Rice told reporters. “We’re going to turn this negativity into something positive. The money raised from this will help thousands of women in India get a proper education, shelter, food, help in getting out of abusive relationships, rape counseling and much more!”

MGM Grand spokesman Paul Horner told CNN he is excited about the upcoming event. “Tickets went on sale this morning for the ‘Elevator Showdown’ and we’re already more than halfway sold out. This is something everyone wants to see because the elevator video we all saw wasn’t enough. Society’s taste for violence will be satisfied next month when these two meet in the cage to settle their differences once and for all. This is going to be the cage match of the century!”

Rice told reporters he’s looking forward to the cage match being held at the MGM Grand next month.

“This time she’s not going to be able to just fall on the ground and act like she’s knocked out. If she tries that again it’s really going to be lights out for her. I’ll teach her to respect a man,” Rice said. “I’m really excited about how much money this will raise to help woman in India that are in abusive relationships.”

“In the video people saw that I was only able to hit Ray in the face a few times, but that’s nothing,” Janay told reporters. “On October 24th, I’ll get my revenge. After I’m done with him I’ll make sure he can’t walk right. It’s not like he’ll be playing football any time soon.” Janay laughs.

The Baltimore Ravens, who cut Rice on Monday, donated five thousand Ray Rice jerseys to a local battered women’s shelter. What the woman will do with the jerseys is still unclear.

Vegas oddsmakers so far have Rice winning the cage match but insiders say a knockout by Janay is extremely possible with that paying out 7-1. Giveindia.org gives 90% of the money it collects directly to the cause of helping women in India. The ‘Elevator Showdown’ is scheduled for 5 rounds and will be held at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Nevada at 8pm on October 24th. Tickets can be purchased online or by calling (785) 273-0325.

###

Facebook Adding ‘Satire’ Tags To Fox News Articles

Menlo Park, CA — What some are calling a “harmless prank” is being taken very seriously by the Fox News Channel. On Sunday, the links on Facebook which display related articles by Fox News were showing ‘satire’ tags beside them. No one is sure if this is permanent, temporary or a mistake, but lawyers of Fox are not taking the issue lightly.

“This is a programmer or someone at Facebook, a comedian,” Paul Horner, a lawyer for Fox News told reporters. “If these tags are not removed in 48 hours Facebook will have a multimillion dollar lawsuit on their hands.”

Fox News has satire tags on Facebook

Read More

Woman Stoned To Death For Working On The Sabbath; Church Takes Bible Literally

Alabama Church takes Bible literally. Woman stoned to death for working on Sunday or the Sabbath.

Reverend Paul Horner, seen here, leading his congregation in singing ‘Amazing Grace’ in memory of Brandy Hull. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Huntsville, AL — A 31-year-old pregnant woman, wife and mother of three, was brutally murdered after she was seen working on Sunday, or the Sabbath, by a fellow member of the church.

Brandy Hull, a devoted member of ‘Paul Church’, a church which takes the Bible literally, was working at ‘Hank’s Bass Pro Shop’ on Sunday when she was confronted by churchgoer Richard Mayo. Employees say a heated argument broke out which forced store manager Steve Wesby to intervene and remove Mayo from the premises. When Hull left work later that day, that is when Mayo attacked the woman. Mayo began throwing large rocks at Hull until she was bludgeoned to death.

Mayo killed Hull based on the Bible’s teachings of verse Exodus 31:15 which says that for six days work is to be done, but the seventh day is a day of Sabbath rest, holy to the Lord. Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day is to be put to death.

Detective Thomas Kelly held a press conference on the church’s steps to discuss the case and answer questions for reporters. “At this time we believe 58-year-old Richard Charles Mayo acted alone. There is no evidence of other individuals who were involved or conspired with Mayo to carry out this horrible act.”


Read More

I Don’t Know About You, But Times Are Changing, And I Don’t Like It One Bit, Not One Darn Bit I Tell Ya!

So the queers now have the same rights as us straight people when it comes to marriage?

What’s next, women will be allowed to vote? The Negros will have the same rights as us good, decent, hardworking white folks? I don’t know about you, but times are changing, and this reporter doesn’t like it one bit, not one darn bit I tell ya! I don’t even care if it says anything in the Bible about gay people not being allowed to get married, it’s just icky. It’s immoral and wrong!

We are a Christian nation and can make up the rules as we go along! It’s our religious freedom and we demand it! The Government needs to stop making laws based on fact and votes and other such hogwash and needs to start making their laws based on a 2,000 year old book that everyone should be forced to believe in. That is the root of the problem right there; everyone is not forced to believe what we believe. This country is going straight to Hell in a handbasket!

This is truly a sad day for all the real Americans out there and I’m mad as heck!

Is Sarah Jessica Parker A Horse Trotting Around In A Human Body? You Be The Judge!

Is Sarah Jessica Parker a horse?

Is Sarah Jessica Parker a horse? Our Super Official Investigative Action News Team gets to the bottom of this question to put a halt to this mangy rumor once and for all.

Hollywood CA — There’s been a lot of debate lately surrounding actress Sarah Jessica Parker. The million dollar question that has been on everyone’s mind is questioning her status as a human being. Super Official News has decided to get to the bottom of this debacle and find out once and for all if she is a horse or a human being.

“Her outrageous horse looks have gone too far!” 34-year-old Paul Horner from Laveen, Arizona told reporters. “Why doesn’t she just gallop out into a pasture and get out of our lives already?”

Senior producer Eric Burns from Entertainment Tonight says he believes that she is in fact a human being and not a horse. “She is not a horse, that is just ridiculous,” Burns said. “And to those who continue to criticize the looks of Sarah Jessica Parker, I say, neigh. I think it would behoove you to have some common courtesy. You all need to stop making such unbridled remarks. It’s unfair to saddle her with this burden of ugliness. Someone needs to take the reins here and say, whoaaaa, this has gone too far. Why do we need to trot on down this same road every time her name comes up? So stop horsing around guys. If she were coming to my town, I’d definitely pony up the cash to see her.”

The following evidence was collected by the Super Official Investigative Action News Team. After seeing the following data hopefully you will be able to make a stable decision, and put a halt to this mangy rumor once and for all.

Sarah Jessica Parker is a horse

Below are pictures of Sarah Jessica Parker and a horse lined up next to each other. The mane proof is in the eye of the beholder and remember to take all of this in stride.

Note: Keep in mind when viewing the following images, Sarah Jessica Parker is on the left and an actual horse is on the right.

Sarah Jessica Parker is a horse
Sarah Jessica Parker is a horse
Sarah Jessica Parker is a horse
Sarah Jessica Parker is a horse
Sarah Jessica Parker is a horse
Sarah Jessica Parker is a horse
Sarah Jessica Parker is a horse
Sarah Jessica Parker is a horse
Sarah Jessica Parker is a horse
Sarah Jessica Parker is a horse
Sarah Jessica Parker is a horse

I think this horse show has been ridden for everything it’s worth and can now finally be put to rest!

What do you think? Is Sarah Jessica Parker A Horse? Leave your comments below.