The US Mint Plans To Release Caitlyn Jenner Gold Coin

Caitlyn gold coin by the US Mint

The Caitlyn Jenner gold coin by the US Mint scheduled to be released July 4th. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Beginning July 4th, the US Mint will begin its limited release of Caitlyn Jenner Commemorative Gold Coins. The move is said to celebrate Caitlyn’s bravery and living the American dream.

“This coin symbolizes a shared history and friendship with the sports star,” said U.S. Mint Director Paul Horner.

The coin is legal tender and is struck from 14.1 grams of pure gold. The commemorative coin is available at the pre-issue price of $799.00 through August 4th, and $949.00 thereafter. To qualify for pre-issue discount prices, orders must be postmarked or received no later than July 4th, 2015 and a limit of 5 coins per household is strictly enforced.

The designer of the coin, Tom Downey, said he wanted to show Caitlyn in her true form.

“I wanted to capture Caitlyn in all of her beauty and grace showing just how brave she is.”

The Caitlyn Jenner gold coin can be purchased directly online at USMINT.gov or by calling (785) 273-0325.

Katey Kinkade Is The Most Beautiful Girl In Australia

There is a girl that lives in Australia named Katey Kinkade. She is the most beautiful, funny, clever, creative, intelligent, caring girl that I know.

When Katey Kinkade is not being the most beautiful girl in Australia, she is talking with her Facebook boyfriend Paul Horner. That is a very smart move on her part, but what else would she do in Australia besides being beautiful and catching huge car-size spiders?

If you get a chance to meet the beautiful and charming Katey Kinkade from Australia, I highly recommend it. Though what I do not recommend is living with spiders the size of houses, unless they are beautiful spiders and Katey Kinkade can protect you. She will bash spiders and ride them to America and lease them to amusement parks.

Katey Kinkade is the most beautiful girl in Australia

Katey Kinkade from Australia

Katey Kinkade is beautiful

Katey Kinkade lives in Australia

Katy Kinkade is beautiful

Katey Kinkade likes to paint her face because she is beautiful

Katey Kinkade is the most beautiful girl in Australia

Katey Kinkade beautiful

The most beautiful girl in Australia is Katey Kinkade
Katey Kingade beautiful rapper
This is a signed photo for you player haters out there by non other than Katey Kinkade. This girl is not only the most beautiful female in Australia but also the most amazing rap battle superstar on this planet. I’ve NEVER seen her lose a battle once, not even close, and that is why she is the undefeated world wide rap battle champ 27 years and running. Ladies, give up now and save the tears and embarrassment.

This video is just an example of what happens when Katey Kinkade destroys other rappers who think they can compete with the best, especially sorority girls who think they’re tough. This is your only warning! Best believe that!

 

I hope you enjoyed these beautiful pictures of Katey Kinkade from Perth, Australia. If you are ever thinking of being as beautiful as her, think again. You will just get your feelings hurt and then the huge spiders living in Australia will sense that, and eat you alive.

 

City In Louisiana Makes ‘Twerking’ Illegal – 30 Days In Jail For First Offense

Twerking illegal in Louisiana

Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke twerking at the MTV VMAs last month.

DeQuincy, LA — The dance craze twerking has become such a problem in the small town of DeQuincy, Louisiana that city officials have made it illegal.

Maynard Wilkens who is the Mayor of DeQuincy spoke to CNN about the ban on twerking that takes effect at midnight. “Twerking is a defiant act against Jesus and his teachings. The rest of the country can keep their heads in the sand about this sexual act before marriage, but not the great city of DeQuincy,” Wilkens said. “We will still allow dancing in DeQuincy, just no jigglin’, shakin’ and ‘dry humping’ anywhere in our city limits.”

Bobby Joe Williams who is the sheriff in the town told reporters about the penalties for those caught twerking. “First time offenders will receive a mandatory 30 days in the county jail. After that it will be a much harsher punishment,” Williams said. “We are not taking this matter lightly. There ain’t gonna be no twerkin’ in my city, not no more.”

24-year-old DeQuincy resident Brandon Adams told reporters he does not agree with the new law. “There is nothing to do in this town, seriously. Twerking is all us kids had left and now they’re taking it away from us,” Adams said. “I don’t see what the big deal is. At least we weren’t out causing trouble, sniffing glue and breaking stuff. I guess we’ll now have to go back to doing that.”

Twerking is a type of dancing in which the dancer, usually a woman, shakes her hips up-and-down in a bouncing motion, causing the dancer’s buttocks to shake, ‘wobble’ and ‘jiggle’ in a sexually provocative manner. The origins of twerking are unknown but were recently made popular by Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke‘s performance at the MTV VMAs last month.

The town of DeQuincy has a population of 3,398 as of the 2000 census. DeQuincy is part of the Lake Charles Metropolitan Statistical Area. So far state officials in Louisiana have yet to make a formal statement concerning the ban on twerking.

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Gay-To-Straight Program To Be Implemented In All Virginia Public School Curriculums Beginning September 1st

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here speaking to children about the dangers of masturbation.

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here speaking to children about the dangers and consequences of masturbation is teaming up with ‘People Can Change’ in Virginia to help put an end to homosexuality in students grades K-12.

Richmond, VA — Beginning September 1st of this year, the state of Virginia is implementing a mandatory school program designed for all children grades K-12 to help homosexual males and females choose to become straight. The gay-to-straight conversion therapy treatment will be used in all of Virginia’s 2,186 public school curriculums and is already gathering a large amount of criticism as well as those who approve of the new program.

Paul Horner who is the brain child behind People Can Change spoke with Fox News about their plan to help all the gay children of Virginia. “Since 2000 ‘People Can Change‘ has been helping thousands of adults resolve their unwanted same-sex attractions. We bring the gay demons out of these individuals so they can become who god intended them to be. Our success and track record speaks for itself,” Horner said. “Facing the reality that you have unwanted homosexual feelings can cause tremendous turmoil – especially as a child whose feelings conflict with deeply held values, beliefs and life goals. But there is a way out. A path that leads them to resolve rather than fight their homosexual feelings. A path to authentic brotherhood and to our innate heterosexual masculinity.” Horner continued, “Our program with adults has been so successful over the years and thanks to Governor Bob McDonnell we will now be able to help all of the gay children in Virginia too.”

Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell who signed off on the the ‘People Can Change’ gay-to-straight conversion therapy treatment told CNN he is excited about the program. “A child has to choose to become gay because god would never create a homosexual. It’s a choice, not something they were born with – and that is a proven fact,” McDonnell said. “Can you imagine how much more productive these ‘now-straight’ children will be not always being bullied or wondering why god made them defective? Gay children will finally be able to learn who they truly are for once in their lives.” McDonnell continued, “What we are doing is monumental. I can only hope and pray that other states follow suit.”

Beau Hough who is the Senior Gay Development Analyst at ‘People Can Change’ told reporters about the exciting plans waiting in store for all the gay children of Virginia. “We have hired Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin from the organization Stop Masturbation Now to come in and speak with all of suspected gay students in Virginia. Having a dolphin mascot will loosen the tension for the children as they are told that if they continue to choose to be gay, they will then start masturbating and then will go to Hell for eternity in the afterlife.” Hough continued, “There’s nothing gayer than a male causing a penis to ejaculate, whether or not it’s his own. We will put an end to this horrible and evil travesty once and for all, just as Jesus would want it.”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of ‘Stop Masturbation Now’ said he is excited about the chance to help gay children in Virginia. “Homosexuality and masturbation is a gateway drug to rape,” Childs told reporters. “It leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease,” Childs said. “God willing, one day homosexuality and masturbation will be illegal.”

The organization ‘People Can Change’ is located in Ruckersville, Virginia. The group has gay-to-straight conversion facilities all around the country and has been in operation since May of 2000. ‘People Can Change’ can be contacted at 1-434-227-9346 or by email at rich@peoplecanchange.com.

National Report attempted to contact the Superintendent of Public Instruction for comment but as of press time had received no response.

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Hating Anything In Life Is Only Hating Yourself

Hate, intolerance, racism all can be fixedHate, intolerance and racism in this world could all be a thing of the past but it first starts with you. This is your life and you can choose to live it however you want. There is no one stopping you from living a life full of love and acceptance except yourself.

I was hanging out with this girl last night at my house who is lucky enough to have a permanent tan. She knows I write and do standup and wanted to hear some jokes. I told her a few and then warned her about the next one. “I’m going to tell it to you”, I said, “But you might find it racist or offensive.” She said, “Say it! I want to hear it!” So after a moment of thinking, I told her the joke.

“I’m so tired of people referring to things by adding color in the description. For example, ‘Hey everybody, check out my new black shoes!’ Why can’t they just say, ‘Hey everybody, check out my new shoes?’ The same goes for painting. Why do people have to say ‘black paint’? Why can’t they just say, ‘Jamal, please paint the fence’.”

She started laughing and milk actually shot out of her nose. I didn’t even have any milk in the house. She must have brought it from home, maybe in a milk flask or something.

I asked her if that joke was too racist or offensive. She kind of blew my mind with her answer and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. She said, “The people that find that joke racist, are racist. It’s something deep down, almost subconscious. It’s something that they don’t like about themselves. So instead of fixing their problem they take their anger and frustrations out on someone else.”

Nevermind album cover by the band Nirvana

The controversial ‘Nevermind’ album cover by the band Nirvana released on September 24, 1991.

Think about most of the Republicans out there like Rick Santorum for example. He hides his hate and homophobia behind a 2,000-year-old book. That guy thinks about gay sex more than gay people think about gay sex.

As a person in office that represents the gay hate machine, Santorum will never publicly come out of the closet, but I guarantee that sooner or later a scandal will emerge about him being with another man. It’s only a matter of time.

Kurt Cobain said it best about the cover of his 1991 album Nevermind:

“If you’re offended by this, you must be a closet pedophile.”

New Study Shows The Bigger The Gun, The Bigger The Person, The Smaller The Penis

The bigger the gun, the bigger the size of the person, the smaller the penis

According to new studies released today by the American Research Group, the man in this picture would have a one inch fully erect penis.

Manchester, NH — A new study released today by the American Research Group shows that the larger an individual is along with also having a bigger gun directly relates to the size of that person’s penis size.

Paul Horner who headed up the 5-year study for the group explained to reporters how they came to the conclusion of their findings. “We took a group of over 500 male gun owners in various cities all around the country. Half of the men weighed under 200 lbs while the other half weighed over 200 lbs. We noticed immediately that the guns owned by the men weighing under 200 lbs were your normal size guns, your Glock pistols and such. The men weighing over 200, 300 and especialy 400 lbs all owned semi-automatic rifles and large weapons such as AK47’s. One individual weighing 769 lbs owned a Howitzer and scientists were unable to locate the man’s penis,” Horner said. “We measured the men’s penis sizes. It was an amazing find I must say. All the men with the large stomachs and big guns all had very small penises, whereas the normal size men with the normal size guns all had very average size penises.”

47-year-old Billy Jo Ray from DeQuincy, Louisiana who owns an AK47 and weighs 425 lbs said he does not agree with the study. “I don’t give a go*damn what these fact checkin’,  fancy scientists think. My one-half inch johnson satisfies all the ladies in town. I’ve never heard any complaints from my cousins once.”

Mayor Paul Covington of DeQuincy told reporters the town will be having its own ‘Gun Appreciation Day’ next weekend. “We do this every year around this time and unlike the recent national ‘Gun Appreciation Day‘ where five people were shot, we can safely assure our citizens that no one will get shot or killed at this upcoming event. We are taking safety precautions to eliminate any chances of someone getting hurt or injured. This includes no more all-night tailgating parties or BYOB at this event, that I can promise you.”

Horner said he will be attending the ‘Gun Appreciation Day’ in DeQuincy. “Our team of researchers and scientists will be closely monitoring the penis sizes of all the males attending this event. If our findings are correct, the town of DeQuincy should have the smallest penis sizes in the entire United States.”

To learn more about this study by the American Research Group or to participate you can call the ‘Big Gun-Big Man-Small Penis’ 24-hour hotline at (785) 273-0325.

Millions Feared Dead By Hurricane Sandy: Pussy Name For A Hurricane To Blame

Hurricane Sandy has such a pussy name for a hurricaneNew York, NY — Officials are now saying the death toll of Hurricane Sandy could be in the millions, this all due to the hurricane being given such a pussy name. “People didn’t think this hurricane was going to be that big of a deal,” Danielle Patch from the Red Cross said. “People were out there dancing in the rain with horse masks on playing grab ass, and now they’re all dead.”

New York City Police Chief Paul Horner said he’s extremely disappointed in the hurricane’s name and told reporters what he would have named it if it was up to him. “They needed to name it something more menacing like Hurricane Shaniqua or Hurricane Satan Hell Fire,” Horner said. “I wouldn’t mess with those bitches. You wouldn’t have to tell me twice to evacuate after hearing those names.”

32-year-old Mike Simmons who gave the Hurricane it’s name said he’s truly sorry. “I thought it was a good name at first,” Simmons told reporters. “I figured it would get quite ‘sandy’ during this hurricane, so it was kind of a play on words. Boy was I wrong.” Simmons continued, “I think I’m gay too. Yeah, mom and dad if you’re reading this, I’m coming out of the closet. I’m gay. I hope you can accept my sexuality and I hope the rest of the world can forgive me for naming the hurricane such a pussy name.”

It’s not clear if the hurricane’s name will be changed mid-hurricane but critics are doing all they can. “This pussy hurricane’s name needs to change now,” says Michael Anthony Claypool, a meteorologist for WPIX TV in New York. “The people that don’t have to deal with this hurricane are all laughing at us right now, and I don’t think it’s funny one bit. Plus with all the couples being forced to stay in doors because of this storm, in nine months do you know how many kids in New York with the lame name Sandy there are going to be? Lots. Not cool guy who named this hurricane, not cool at all.”

For more information about Hurricane Sandy or to vote on changing the name of the hurricane to something more frightening please contact the Hurricane Sandy Name Change Crisis Hotline at (785) 273-0325.

Fuck Mitt Romney.

Fuck Mitt RomneyNote: This article is currently being reviewed by the Pulitzer Prize Board of Directors. Awards for the Pulitzer and excellence in journalism will be announced by the end of this year.

Washington, D.C. — Holy goddamn fucking shit, two-faced, cunt bitch asshole, Mitt Romney. Fucking lame ass, punk bitch cocksucker, fucking up my shit! Motherfucker, ass cunt 47%, fuckin’ shit. Putting down his own $5,000 to buy food to donate to his bitch ass for Sandy, fake photo opp motherfucker. Fucking bitch, cuntface dickhead ass-hat.

Carpetmuncher, cockfucker, gift-from-god-rape or fuckin’ legitimate rape? Douchewaffle Romney, tittyfuck binders full of women, cumslut muffdivers. Pig-fucker Paul Ryan shitty homodumbshit, another fake photo opp faggot scrubbing clean dishes, Ayn Rand rimjob, thundercunt Vice Presidential running mate.

Corporations are people bullshit, boner handjob, fuck. Deregulate everything polesmokers. Ass clowns Romney/Ryan douchebag faggots, no plan. 1% get richer, cum guzzling dickweasels. Poor and working class get bonerfilled harder. Nation fucking collapses. Fuck!

President of the World, Paul Horner asks, “How?”

Answer: Fucking fear, lies, misinformation, Fox News, evil, the Bible Belt, rigged voting machines, old angry white people, ignorance, stupidity, racism, corporate money, teabagging shitfaced dicknozels.

Poor people? The middle class? Education? Healthcare? Jobs? Economy? Women’s rights? Gay rights? Fuck it!

Romnesia shit, goddamn delusional dickbag. Asshead, windows on a plane should open? Fucking retard! Mormon Romney is a god of his own universe when he dies. Kolob cult, dumb fucking shit.

Fuck Mitt Romney.

The Prophet Muhammad Returns: Addresses All The Bullsh*t That’s Been Happening

The Ass Press
Posted: 09/15/2012 6:00:11 PM PDT

The Prophet Muhammad returns a black womanEditors note: This article is a paid advertisement by Barack Obama and The United States Government. Super Official News is not responsible for the content on this page.

Tel Aviv, Israel — Muslims around the world are rejoicing as the Prophet Muhammad has finally returned after all these hundreds of years. The news comes as both exciting and shocking as Muslims are learning the true identity of the mysterious prophet, a large African American woman. Muhammad was originally believed to be a man that was taller than average, had a muscular build, a large forehead, a sloping nose and a thick beard, but it turns out all of that was wrong. Muhammad held a press conference this afternoon to address the bullsh*t that’s been happening in the Muslim community lately.

“This bullsh*t needs to stop right now,” said Muhammad. “Muslims killing motherf*ckas over some silly movie or a cheesy cartoon, shit ain’t right. They best needs to chill before I roll up on em’. They think they gansta? Sh*t, I’ll show em’ who’s gansta.”

When told about all the suicide bombings and the recent killings at the US Embassy in Libya, Muhammad said she did not approve. “Oh heeelll no,” Muhammad said. “What is wrong with these people? I’ll tell you what it is. They aren’t allowed to have sex till they’re married, they can’t masturbate, plus they live on piles of hot sand in the middle of a war zone. You try to make me live on a pile of sand, where it’s hot as sh*t, not allowing me to get my f*ck on or even rub on myself while bombs and explosions and sh*t are going off all the time, and then you wanna make fun of my religion too? Well, I’d probably bust a cap in a n*gga also. But still, these player haters better recognize and stop all this bullsh*t right now. Don’t make me come back here again.”

Ahmed Saed Bin Hussein Al-Nasser, a 52-year-old devout Muslim, spoke briefly to reporters answering their questions about the Muslim religion. “The Muslim faith is a religion of peace, love, acceptance and understanding,” Al-Nasser said. Though his tone quickly changed once finding out that Muhammad is actually an obese African American woman from the inner city. “I will rape and murder all of you and everyone that you know,” Al-Nasser shouted at reporters.

David Miscavige who is founder of the human rights organization ‘Religious Freedom Watch’ said people need to stop mocking the Muslim religion. “These movies and images of Muhammad are an insult to the Muslim faith,” Miscavige said. “People need to respect their beliefs, especially now that we have found out Muhammad is an overweight, African American woman from the ghetto.”

Paul Horner, a free speech advocate, said he’s happy the violence will end now that people finally know Muhammad’s true identity. “This has always been an issue about free speech. No one cares what Muslims or any other religions actually believe. People only give Muslims are hard time because they are attempting to stop free speech. Muslims need to deal with the criticism of Muhammad in a peaceful manner otherwise they will never grow and mature as a religion,” Horner said. “If they didn’t fight everything and just accepted that not everyone is going to love your religion, then no one would be making these images and movies mocking Muhammad in the first place. It’s only done because Muslims get so ridiculously sensitive about the whole thing. They think the United States Government is behind these stupid images and lame movies, when it’s actually just some random guy. If they would stop getting so emotional about everything, no one would even care in the first place, and then these images and movies would never exist.”

Muhammad ended the press conference early saying that she needed to “meet up with her baby’s daddy” and “get her drink on”. For additional information on the return of the Prophet Muhammad, please contact the 24-hour ‘Muhammad Returns With A Vengeance Hotline’ at (785) 273-0325.

‘Innocence of Muslims’, The Movie Radical Muslims Are Killing People Over

[Updated at 09-20-12 | 11:35 PM PDT] Judge refuses to order YouTube to remove anti-Islam film.

TSA Now Offering Free Gift With All Full Body Cavity Searches

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/6/2012 6:00:14 AM PDT

TSA Now Offering Free Gift With Full Body Cavity SearchesArlington, VA — Pressured by citizens outraged with the recent inappropriate actions taken by certain TSA screeners, free gifts will now be made available to anyone receiving a full body cavity search. The TSA believes giving out free gifts will be a great way to improve their image and reputation among the general public.

The TSA’s search procedures and full body scanners have been hot topics of discussion ever since 9-11. Supporters of the TSA and their search methods say this is a first line of defense against stopping terrorism. Critics on the other hand say this is a complete waste of tax payer money that invades personal freedoms and privacy and has proven to show no real results. Public outcry has increased over the years especially after some of the TSA’s recent blunders that have been caught on video, which have then gone viral on the internet.

An insider with the TSA, who chose to remain anonymous, says they are aware of the problems and that is one of the reasons these free gifts are being made available to the public. “We’ve heard all the complaints and horror stories. The long lines at the airport, the lack of privacy, stop touching my junk… we’ve heard it all. We’re also aware that anyone could pretty much get anything past these scanners if they really wanted to. We know that a bomb sniffing dog would be 100x more efficient and at 1/1000th of the cost, but then the lobbyists and makers of these scanners don’t get money. Though I think most of the negativity from the public will change once they start getting free gifts. Who wouldn’t want a free gift, especially after being anally penetrated by a complete stranger?”

TSA supervisor Paul Horner told reporters that he enjoys his work and takes it extremely serious. “I love what I do. I’m stopping these god*amn terrorists from killing more people. Everyday that I go to work I feel like I’m saving lives. Plus I get to see beautiful woman naked all day long. Lots of gross ones too, but hey, that comes with the job.”

The TSA says the free gifts are mainly comprised of things taken from people that come through the scanners. Joel Massanti a spokesman for the TSA explained to reporters what some of the free gifts will include. “If a traveler is giving us a hard time they’ll probably end up ‘missing’ a couple t-shirts or something in their luggage, so there’s a free gift for someone that’s just received a full body cavity search.” Massanti continued, “Plus I’m excited to say that we’re also giving out pretty amazing gift baskets too. They will contain things such as pecans, chocolates, crackers, cheese, and even a nice sparkling cider. All of this will be presented in a gorgeous wicker basket with a yellow bow. I think it’s going to be really nice to see the look on a traveler’s face as they are pulling up their pants to learn the news that they are getting a free gift basket. Who wouldn’t want to fly now?”

Don’t have the money to fly? No problem. Mitt Romney has you covered.

The TSA