Facebook Adding ‘Satire’ Tags To Fox News Articles

Menlo Park, CA — What some are calling a “harmless prank” is being taken very seriously by the Fox News Channel. On Sunday, the links on Facebook which display related articles by Fox News were showing ‘satire’ tags beside them. No one is sure if this is permanent, temporary or a mistake, but lawyers of Fox are not taking the issue lightly.

“This is a programmer or someone at Facebook, a comedian,” Paul Horner, a lawyer for Fox News told reporters. “If these tags are not removed in 48 hours Facebook will have a multimillion dollar lawsuit on their hands.”

Fox News has satire tags on Facebook

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Facebook Drug Task Force Will Begin Monitoring All Messages October 1st

Facebook Drug Task Force or the FDTF

Mark Zuckerberg speaking to reporters about the new Facebook Drug Task Force or FDTF which will begin monitoring all messages in October. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Menlo Park, CA — The Facebook Drug Task Force or FDTF, will begin monitoring all Facebook postings and messages of its users for drug activity beginning October 1st.

Chairman and chief executive of Facebook, Inc., Mark Zuckerberg, spoke with CNN about the FDTF. “The task force was created to keep users of Facebook safe,” Zucckerberg said. “The FDTF will be working directly with the Drug Enforcement Agency and local law enforcement agencies. We’re gonna put away the bad guys.” Zuckerberg continued, “Online crime has risen to all-time highs. As the world’s number one social networking site I feel it is our job to protect our users from such deadly things as drugs.”


Paul Horner, spokesman for the DEA, told reporters he is excited to see Facebook going forward with their decision to implement a drug task force. “I’m thrilled,” Horner said. “We’re going to get all the drug pushers and dope addicts off Facebook once and for all. The marijuana junkies think they can socialize on the line with their fellow druggies, well, not on my watch. We’re gonna read their messages, we’re gonna build cases against them, and we’re gonna put em’ all in prison. It’s going to be beautiful.”

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Facebook Drug Task Force To Begin Operating October 1st

Mark Zuckerberg Facebook Drug Task Force

Mark Zuckerberg speaking to reporters about the new Facebook Drug Task Force the company is implementing October 1st. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Menlo Park, CA — Beginning October 1st, Facebook will be implementing a drug task force designed to arrest those who buy and sell narcotics while using the online social networking site. Facebook is calling the group the Facebook Drug Task Force, or FDTF, and will be monitoring all postings and messages created by its users.

Chairman and chief executive of Facebook, Inc., Mark Zuckerberg, spoke with CNN about the FDTF. “The task force was created to keep users of Facebook safe,” Zucckerberg said. “The FDTF will be working directly with the Drug Enforcement Agency and local law enforcement agencies. We’re gonna put away the bad guys.” Zuckerberg continued, “Online crime has risen to all-time highs. As the world’s number one social networking site I feel it is our job to protect our users from such deadly things as drugs.”


Paul Horner, spokesman for the DEA, told reporters he is excited to see Facebook going forward with their decision to implement a drug task force. “I’m thrilled,” Horner said. “We’re going to get all the drug pushers and dope addicts off Facebook once and for all. The marijuana junkies think they can socialize on the line with their fellow druggies, well, not on my watch. We’re gonna read their messages, we’re gonna build cases against them, and we’re gonna put em’ all in prison. It’s going to be beautiful.”

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Samsung Pays Apple $290 Million Fine With Quarters – 90 Semi Trucks Full Of Them

Samsung pays entire $290 million fine to Apple in quarters.

Cupertino, CA — This morning Apple’s headquarters in California received quite the surprise when 90 semi-trucks filled with quarters arrived at their front entrance. Initially the security company that protects the facility told the drivers they were at the wrong place. Minutes later, Apple CEO, Tim Cook, received a call from Samsung CEO, Kwon Oh Hyun, explaining that this is how they intend to pay the $290 million fine recently ruled against the South Korean company – all in quarters, 1,160,000,000 of them.

The signed document of the lawsuit does not specify a payment method, so Samsung is rightfully entitled to pay Apple however they see fit.

In August 2012, a jury awarded Apple over $1 billion in damages in their patent infringement case against Samsung. This sparked a story that Samsung paid the fine to Apple entirely in nickels — sending 30 trucks full of nickels to their headquarters. A picture also circulated showing coins pouring down a ramp in a warehouse along with video of delivery trucks driving down a city street.

All of this made for an interesting story, but unfortunately it never happened. At the time, the fine was not payable because the judge had not made his ruling yet. U.S. District Judge Lucy Koh ordered a retrial to determine damages for 13 products after the previous jury awarded Apple $1.05 billion, which she decided was miscalculated.


In November a decision by a new jury was announced ordering Samsung to pay Apple $290 million. Hyun who did not agree with the ruling, was so moved by the billion dollars nickel hoax, he decided to pay the $290 million fine in quarters.

“We have paid the $290 million fine the judge ordered. It took 90 semi trucks full of quarters to do it. We now consider this matter closed,” Hyun told CNN.

Hyun was asked by reporters if he regrets his actions. “No, not at all. Maybe this will give Apple employees change to use for the vending machines,” Hyun chuckled.

Paul Horner, who is a spokesman for Apple, told reporters Samsung’s actions are uncalled for. “Samsung showed their true colors today. What they did was immature and extremely unprofessional. If this is how they do business it amazes me they have been around for as long as they have.”

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Man Finds 6 Million Dollars Worth Of Bitcoins At Garage Sale

The online virtual currency Bitcoins

Image of the online virtual currency Bitcoins.

Phoenix, AZ — An Arizona man got the surprise of his life when a ten dollar investment at a neighborhood garage sale this weekend turned him into a millionaire overnight.

35-year-old Paul Horner was out walking his dog Mac when he came upon a neighborhood yard sale and decided to stop. “I found an old Dell computer that my neighbor was selling for 15 dollars. I talked him down to ten,” Horner said. “When I got home and turned it on I found Word documents in one of the folders. There was password information for something called Bitcoins. So I logged in to the account and there was over 10,000 of these things. I quickly sold half of them and the other half I decided to keep.”

Bitcoins are a virtual currency facilitated by an open-source peer-to-peer cryptographic protocol that functions without the intermediation of any central authority. The concept was introduced in a 2008 paper by a pseudonymous developer known as “Satoshi Nakamoto” and have been in use since January of 2009.

Mr. Horner’s name may seem familiar to some. He was recently in the news for having the biggest penis in the world according to Guinness World Records.

“Things have been really going my way lately,” Horner told CNN. “I feel as if I have 6 million dollars and the biggest penis in the world… oh wait, I do.”

The Bitcoin took a huge step towards the mainstream on Monday when federal authorities signaled their willingness to accept it as a legitimate payment alternative. The Department of Justice and Securities and Exchange Commission told a U.S. Senate committee that Bitcoins are legitimate financial instruments.

Horner told reporters he plans to use the money to better mankind. “I told my neighbor who sold me the computer I’m giving him a million dollars. I’ll probably give my family a million dollars too. The rest I’ll use to buy a new house, probably buy a sweet nightclub, a helicopter or something, a dolphin costume, a couple cars, only important stuff. I always wanted to do two chicks at the same time. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, because chicks dig dudes with money.”

According to U.S. based Coinbase, which allows users to buy and sell Bitcoins who have a United States bank account, the price of a single Bitcoin reached a high of $800 late Monday evening.

Porn Found On ObamaCare Website

Porn images and pornography found on the ObamaCare website

Users of Healthcare.gov report finding pornographic material on a number of their signup pages.

Washington, DC — More bad news for ObamaCare as users of its website Healthcare.gov report finding pornographic material on a number of their signup pages. CGI Federal, the IT contractor responsible for the site said the obscene content was uploaded by a disgruntled employee.

Ken Renynolds who is a spokesman for CGI Federal told CNN the problem with the site has been resolved. “This is an isolated incident,” Reynolds said. “The employee responsible for the obscene material has since been terminated. One bad apple does not speak for an entire company. I assure the American people that their privacy and information is safe and secure as always.”

The graphic material was viewable Friday evening between 8PM – 9PM PST. Users reported the images to customer support which then had the content removed from the server.

This is not the first problem CGI Federal and the ObamaCare website has had since going live. Following the October 1, 2013 launch of open-registration under the Affordable Care Act (ACA), the company came under intense media scrutiny after users were prevented from logging in and signing up. Many Americans have also complained of increased rate hikes due to their old insurance plan being canceled.

CGI Federal won the $93.7 million Healthcare.gov job over 3 other companies in 2011. CGI Federal is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Canadian firm CGI Group, which was founded in Quebec City in 1976 by Serge Godin and Andre Imbeau.

Warning: Graphic material – Screenshots of the pornographic images on Healthcare.gov which have since been removed – Click image to enlarge

Porn on ObamaCare website
Porn on ObamaCare website
Porn on ObamaCare website

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10 Reasons Why ObamaCare Will Destroy The Country

Facts about ObamaCare that everyone needs to know

Repeal ObamaCare before it destroys America.

The information being provided by the Obama administration about ObamaCare is not just confusing but is dead wrong. As a true American we must come together and stand up for our civil liberties. It is our job as Americans to inform others about the facts behind this corrupt health care system. When it comes to the well being of Americans, there is no room for opinions and rhetoric.

Here are 10 reasons why ObamaCare will destroy the country:

1) ObamaCare cuts income and jobs
According to CNN, ObamaCare has already put 4.2 million Americans out of work and turned 29 million full-time employees into part-time employees. How many more jobs and hours need to be cut before the rest of America wakes up?

2) Undocumented immigrants and Muslims get free insurance
This is already creating problems in states that are along the Mexico–United States border. Governor Jan Brewer from Arizona told MSNBC last week, “The #1 problem in our state right now is ObamaCare. The reason we have so many Mexicans and Muslims running rampant is because they are getting free healthcare. I would want to come to this great country of ours too if I was getting free health care. ObamaCare must be stopped before it bankrupts America.”

3) ObamaCare kills people
Michele Bachmann said it best, “Let’s repeal this failure before it literally kills women, kills children, kills senior citizens. Let’s not do that. Let’s love people. Let’s care about people. Let’s repeal it now while we can.”

4) The 2.3% Medical Excise Tax applies to sporting goods and fishing supplies
The medical excise tax applies to non-medical items such as archery and sport fishing equipment, tires, coal, and “gas guzzling” automobiles. The 2.3% Medical Excise Tax that began on January 1st is supposed to be “hidden” from the consumer, but it’s been brought to the public’s attention by hunting and fishing store Cabela’s who have refused to hide it and are showing it as a separate line item tax on their receipts.

5) The government will be picking your doctors
According to H.R. 3200 (ObamaCare), “The Government will select the doctor of the individual being provided health care no matter what other conditions may apply.” That is not capitalism or even socialism, that is a dictatorship.

6) ObamaCare is the largest tax hike in American history
A July 2010 article by FactCheck concluded that “as measured by the rather useless yardstick of raw dollars, with no adjustment for inflation,” the Affordable Care Act will be the largest tax hike in U.S. history. At $76.8 billion in 2014, the law would be the largest one-year tax increase in raw dollars since 1968.

7) Senior’s insurance will change
Grandma and grandpa will have little to no care according to recent reports. Euthanasia and death panels will become an everyday happening. Say goodbye to anyone over the age of 50 before it’s too late.

8) Your privacy is not intact
The ObamaCare website, Healthcare.gov, which cost tax payers $634,000,000, does not use HIPPA. The site allows companies and individuals to use your information without your consent. This is not the dream envisioned by the founding fathers.

9) Premiums will go up
According to the Congressional Budget Office, premiums will increase at least 26%. Each state is different but in CA, MD & NY, to name three, premiums will increase between 30 & 50%.

10) ObamaCare is socialism
We can all see the terrible job the government schools are doing with educating our children. We do not want the same lousy system running our health care. Everything the government does costs four times more and provides less service than a private company could do. As a god fearing, country loving, pro-gun, American patriot it is your job to learn the  FACTS about ObamaCare. Educate others before it is too late!

Utah City Makes Porn Illegal – 30 Days In Jail For First Offense

Porn banned in St. George, Utah

A sign in front of a restaurant in downtown St. George.

St. George, UT — One city in Utah has decided it has had enough porn in their town and is taking the drastic measure of banning all pornography along with making it a criminal offense. In a unanimous decision by the city council of St. George, Utah, a law was passed making the possession of any pornographic related material in the city limits a crime punishable by 30 days in jail.

Mayor Arthur McDaniel told CNN he is excited about the new law. “It’s time a city steps up and sets a precedent that this disgusting filth that has plagued this great country of ours for generations will no longer be tolerated,” McDaniel said. “Pornography is a defiant act against Jesus and his teachings. The rest of the country can keep their heads in the sand about this smut and corruption to our children, but not the great city of St. George. I can only hope and pray other cities and states follow suit.”

The ban on pornography in St George takes effect November 1st of this year. Sheriff Paul Covington explained to reporters about the criminal implementation of the upcoming ban. “Our police force will be targeting anyone selling, distributing or using pornographic material including but not limited to magazines, toys, movies and of course the internet; basically anything that is porn related. Anyone in violation of this new law will be subject to a jail sentence of no less than 30 days,” Covington said. “We will also be removing certain produce from our grocery stores; we know all the tricks of a sexual deviant.”

48-year-old St. George resident Myron Danus told reporters he does not approve of the ban. “I don’t care if this is a Mormon backwards state or not, this is a free country and I can watch porn if I damn well please,” Danus said. “If I want to watch naked girls, that’s my business. I’ll be the first one down there in front of the courthouse with a Playboy magazine in one hand and tub of Vaseline in the other.”

According to recent porn data usage released by pornhub.com; the average visit duration time of a resident in Utah is a little over ten minutes. The top three porn searches for Utah is ‘compilation’, ‘teen’ and ‘hentai’.

The town of St. George has a population of 75,561 as of the 2012 census and is located in the southwestern part of Utah on the Arizona border. So far state officials in Utah have yet to make a formal statement concerning the ban on pornography.

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Biggest Penis In The World

The record for the biggest penis size in the entire world belongs to 34-year-old Paul Horner from Phoenix, Arizona. He has by far the biggest penis in the world. The parents of Paul Horner are said to be very proud of their son and his huge penis.

The women all over the world fall in love with Paul not just because of his good looks, charming personality, witty sense of humor, enormous amount of wealth, but also because he has an extremely large penis. So obviously, he is quite the catch.

In summation:

Who has the biggest sized penis in the world? Paul Horner from Phoenix, AZ has the biggest penis in the world.

What is the biggest? Paul’s penis.

Who decided this? The world and Google.

Proof:

Biggest penis in the world

Gay-To-Straight Program To Be Implemented In All Virginia Public School Curriculums Beginning September 1st

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here speaking to children about the dangers of masturbation.

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here speaking to children about the dangers and consequences of masturbation is teaming up with ‘People Can Change’ in Virginia to help put an end to homosexuality in students grades K-12.

Richmond, VA — Beginning September 1st of this year, the state of Virginia is implementing a mandatory school program designed for all children grades K-12 to help homosexual males and females choose to become straight. The gay-to-straight conversion therapy treatment will be used in all of Virginia’s 2,186 public school curriculums and is already gathering a large amount of criticism as well as those who approve of the new program.

Paul Horner who is the brain child behind People Can Change spoke with Fox News about their plan to help all the gay children of Virginia. “Since 2000 ‘People Can Change‘ has been helping thousands of adults resolve their unwanted same-sex attractions. We bring the gay demons out of these individuals so they can become who god intended them to be. Our success and track record speaks for itself,” Horner said. “Facing the reality that you have unwanted homosexual feelings can cause tremendous turmoil – especially as a child whose feelings conflict with deeply held values, beliefs and life goals. But there is a way out. A path that leads them to resolve rather than fight their homosexual feelings. A path to authentic brotherhood and to our innate heterosexual masculinity.” Horner continued, “Our program with adults has been so successful over the years and thanks to Governor Bob McDonnell we will now be able to help all of the gay children in Virginia too.”

Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell who signed off on the the ‘People Can Change’ gay-to-straight conversion therapy treatment told CNN he is excited about the program. “A child has to choose to become gay because god would never create a homosexual. It’s a choice, not something they were born with – and that is a proven fact,” McDonnell said. “Can you imagine how much more productive these ‘now-straight’ children will be not always being bullied or wondering why god made them defective? Gay children will finally be able to learn who they truly are for once in their lives.” McDonnell continued, “What we are doing is monumental. I can only hope and pray that other states follow suit.”

Beau Hough who is the Senior Gay Development Analyst at ‘People Can Change’ told reporters about the exciting plans waiting in store for all the gay children of Virginia. “We have hired Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin from the organization Stop Masturbation Now to come in and speak with all of suspected gay students in Virginia. Having a dolphin mascot will loosen the tension for the children as they are told that if they continue to choose to be gay, they will then start masturbating and then will go to Hell for eternity in the afterlife.” Hough continued, “There’s nothing gayer than a male causing a penis to ejaculate, whether or not it’s his own. We will put an end to this horrible and evil travesty once and for all, just as Jesus would want it.”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of ‘Stop Masturbation Now’ said he is excited about the chance to help gay children in Virginia. “Homosexuality and masturbation is a gateway drug to rape,” Childs told reporters. “It leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease,” Childs said. “God willing, one day homosexuality and masturbation will be illegal.”

The organization ‘People Can Change’ is located in Ruckersville, Virginia. The group has gay-to-straight conversion facilities all around the country and has been in operation since May of 2000. ‘People Can Change’ can be contacted at 1-434-227-9346 or by email at rich@peoplecanchange.com.

National Report attempted to contact the Superintendent of Public Instruction for comment but as of press time had received no response.

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