I Received This Message Today

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation DolphinI received this message today from Paul Horner of Phoenix, Arizona:

Dear Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin,

I recently made friends with a couple who lives next door to me. They are about my age, have a 6-year-old daughter and a 4-year-old Labrador Retriever. A few weeks ago they said their babysitter had canceled on them at the last minute and asked if I could help. I didn’t really want to but they were a nice couple, their daughter and dog were pretty chill, so I thought it shouldn’t be a problem. So I say yes. Anyway, about 5 hours into this thing, it’s boring as shit. The 6-year-old is watching cartoons and the dog is doing dog things. So I start drinking. After a while I start hanging out with them on the couch. They pass out and I’m horny. I start looking at that thing and just want to put my dick in it. I know it’s illegal, but I drink some more and unfortunately give into my urges. After less than 30 seconds I realize how immoral and wrong it is what I’m doing so I stop. I quickly pull up my pants and run off to the master bedroom where I pass out.

In the morning I awake to the couple entering the house. I talk to them briefly, they attempt to pay me – which I decline, then I leave. For at least a week or two after that I am thinking at any moment the cops are going to knock on my door and arrest me; but they never do.

Anyway, long story short… Am I going to Hell for fucking the dog?

Thanks –

Paul Horner

Dear Paul,

I did not read anything about masturbation in your story. I am only here to prevent self-rape so when it comes to that aspect of your story I think you are Hell-free. As for the dog, that could be a Hell-violation, but I do not have any knowledge or could I comment on that subject.

Best of luck to you!

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Guinness World Record For Longest Twitter Hashtag Has Been Announced


Guinness World Record For Longest Twitter Hashtag

Guinness World Record Hashtag award

Verizon Wireless Offering New ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’

Bill Murray saves a child in London, England from certain death

Picture: NSA Surveillance Van

New York, NY — Verizon held a press conference today to announce their new ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’. This announcement comes just days after news leaked that communication companies have been sharing Americans’ phone records with the National Security Agency (NSA).

Verizona CEO President Paul Horner explained to reporters about the new plan. “At Verizon we understand your concerns when it comes to privacy and your phone calls being monitored. So starting July 1st we are pleased to offer customers our new ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’. This cellphone plan comes with 128-bit encryption and is guaranteed to be effective against the F.B.I or NSA from listening in on your phone calls.”

President Barack Obama told reporters he understands the distress of the American people and is doing all he can to fix the situation. “I know I’ve made some promises in the last 5 years that I’ve kind of gone and done the complete opposite of and for that I truly am sorry. The Afghan war, Iraq war and Guantanamo Bay is still open. I’m sorry. I promised you no unwarranted wiretapping. I told you I was strongly against that, but signed off on it anyway. Sorry about that. The National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) that I authorized allowing indefinite military detention of American citizens without charge or trial. I am sorry. I told you I would be lenient on marijuana laws. As it turns out I’ve actually used the DEA to put more people in prison than any other president. That’s another blunder of mine I feel absolutely horrible about,” Obama said. “Drones, the war on whistle-blowers and increased surveillance with no transparency on any of our programs. Once again, I just gotta say, I’m sorry. The NSA monitoring American’s customer records from the three major phone networks as well as emails and web searches and cataloged credit-card transactions. My bad.” Obama continued, “We need to come together as the great country that we are and work through these problems in the name of “safety” and for the children. Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!”

Horner described the new Verizon program to CNN. “The ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’ starts at only $59.95 and for users that are looking for more minutes we offer an unlimited plan for only $149.95 a month. I think this will be a great way for customers to feel secure when using our service and not have to worry about getting arrested.”

Obama continued to explain some of his actions that he plans to fix. “The illegal wiretapping of American citizens needs to stop. No more national security letters to spy on citizens who are not suspected of a crime. We cannot allow NSA agents to literally watch what you type, as you type it,” Obama said. “The NSA’s reach has infiltrated nearly every major internet company’s servers, including Google, Facebook and Microsoft. We need to stop tracking citizens who do nothing but protest a misguided war. There will be no more ignoring the law when it is inconvenient. I promise to start fixing everything just as soon as humanly possible. You can trust me.” Obama continued, “I do have some good news though. In May the economy gained almost 179,000 new jobs! Unfortunately, most of those were F.B.I and NSA jobs to monitor your phone calls.”

Tweet from Verizon about the NSA and their new NSA Ant-Share Plan

Long-time Verizon user Ivan Schleinkofer told reporters he does not mind that the F.B.I. and NSA have been monitoring his phone calls. “I travel so that means I’m away from my wife a lot of the times. We like to have phone sex and we’re really big into voyeurism. If these agencies have been listening in on our phone calls for the past five years, they have heard some pretty kinky stuff,” Schleinkofer said. “Though I heard it’s only about one in five phone calls they listen to. Is there any way we can get them to listen in on us more than that? What if I tell my wife I want to stick my nuclear missile in her Al-Qaeda hiding spot? That would probably draw some red flags. I’ll have to try that tonight.”

To upgrade to the new ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’ you can visit your local Verizon Wireless store or call (785) 273-0325.

Candy Crush Saga Killer Strikes Again

Candy Crush Saga Killer strikes again

The ‘Candy Crush Saga Killer’ has struck again. This time 34-year-old Shilda Vafaei was the unfortunate victim.

Phoenix, AZ — What was supposed to be a fun game on Facebook has instilled terror and fear among the citizens of Phoenix, Arizona as the infamous ‘Candy Crush Saga Killer’ has struck once again.

The latest victim is 34-year-old Shilda Vafaei who was known to play Candy Crush Saga for days on end and send out hundreds of game requests to her friends on Facebook. “Shilda Vafaei makes victim number seven in the last three months,” Michael Spielman of the Phoenix Police Department said. “I urge the people of Phoenix to stop sending Candy Crush Saga game requests immediately until the killer has been apprehended.” Spielman continued, “Even when this individual has been apprehended, please continue not sending game requests. It will just make your friends hate you and someone will end up getting killed again.”

Greg Tidrow from Phoenix, Arizona who lived next to the victim explained what Candy Crush Saga is to reporters. “Candy Crush Saga is like Bejeweled, but with candy!”

Local Phoenix resident Paul Horner told reporters that he receives Candy Crush Saga game requests all the time. “My male friend, who I thought was straight, Ivan Schleinkofer, sent me a request to play this game with him. Is he gay for me I thought, or is this a normal game males play together? When I was growing up, my male friends and I played Contra and blew sh*t up. It was all about Up-Up-Down-Down-Left-Right-Left-Right B, A, Start,” Horner said. “This killer probably was sent too many Candy Crush Saga game requests and just snapped and I don’t blame him. One more request and I just might start candy crushing some skulls.”

So far the police have no leads. If you have any information about this case, Phoenix Police are urging you to contact Silent Witness at (785) 273-0325. As always you can remain anonymous.

Happy Mother’s Day To Flappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin!

Happy Mother’s Day To Flappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin!

Fappy® made a song about not masturbating or if you do you’ll go to Hell. I hope you enjoy it!

More info @ facebook.com/fappythedolphin

Inspired By Jason Collins, Entire WNBA Comes Out Of The Closet

WNBA president Laurel J. Richie speaking to reporters

WNBA president Laurel J. Richie speaking to reporters about how rad lesbians are.

The Women’s National Basketball Association (WNBA) held a press conference today to announce that the entire WNBA has come out of the closet.  This comes on the heals of the courage shown by Jason Collins, who on Monday became the first openly gay male athlete in a major American team sport.

WNBA president Laurel J. Richie told reporters it took a lot of fortitude for Collins to tell the world he was gay and the WNBA is not afraid to stand there with him. “I know what most people are thinking, ‘Oh but how can a woman that plays basketball for a living be a lesbian?’ Well, it’s the truth,” Richie said. “In fact, I’ve been wanting to say this for a while now and thanks to Jason Collins I finally can; I’m officially coming out of the closet. I’m a proud lesbian!”

Sylvia Fowles of the Chicago Sky said she is excited about the future of the WNBA. “We’ve been lesbians for a long time now, but were always too scared to come out,” Fowles said. “We didn’t want to blow this masquerade of beautiful women who love men. We thought it would lower ticket sales if all the men knew that every member of the WNBA only loves rug.” Fowles continued, “But thanks to Jason Collins I think those worries are now a thing of the past.”

Candace Parker of the Los Angeles Sparks is the only player that did not come out of the closet but said she is considering it. “I love men, but I have to support the team, so maybe I’ll be bisexual. That actually sounds pretty hot.”

Long-time WNBA fan Paul Horner said he is amazed to hear of the news. “I’m still in shock,” said Horner. “These are woman who play basketball for a living. I had no idea that they were lesbians too.” Horner continued, “Well as long as they don’t fornicate on the court too much I’ll still continue going to games.”

Deep Thoughts by Paul Horner

Deep Thoughts by Paul Horner

This is a tribute to the comic genius Jack Handey, whose real name was actually Jack Handey.

  • I opened up a fortune cookie recently that said to treat others how you would want to be treated. So now I walk around giving hand jobs to everyone I meet.
  • Hostage negotiators really get on my nerves. They’re always asking me what I want, trying to calm me down, asking annoying questions about my hostages, but in the back off my mind I know they’re not really my friend. They are just using me for my hostages.
  • Sometimes I wish I was BFFs with Suge Knight. We would go to the movies together, ride on the roller coasters and share our deepest secrets. But even with all that fun happening, I would always be worried about him killing me at any moment.
  • What if Jesus didn’t really die for our sins? What if he died because he was nailed to a cross?
  • Sometimes I’m frustrated when crimes go unsolved. What if it was the dogs who let themselves out?
  • Some people like to make it rain at the strip club. I’m on a budget though so I can’t do that. Instead I throw nickles on the stage. I call it making it hail.
  • Drinking five 5-hour energy drinks will give you 25 hours of energy, and since there is only 24 hours in a day, you will die.
  • I know that things are changing and I’m getting older. I notice some of my friends are starting to have kids on purpose.
  • My friend Dave came over the other day and I made us a pizza. He asked me if this was delivery and I asked him if he was fucking stupid.
  • I wish I had a friend that did a lot of acid every day and always liked to explain how hard he was tripping balls. It would be even better if for a profession he was a fireman. He might not save any lives or even put out one fire, but it would be really funny.
  • For April Fool’s Day I told my parents that I was gay. They then told me how happy they were and that they had always suspected it. Then I said, “Ha, ha, ha, just joking, April Fools!” It was the worst April Fool’s Day ever.
  • What if the boys were already on their way to the yard and the milkshakes had nothing to do with it?
  • I like giving girls orgasms. I don’t like it when they spit it out though.

[Updated 04-23-13] I did standup comedy with this material. I think it went alright. I hope you enjoy it!

What, a, prankster…

For April Fool’s Day I am not posting an April Fool’s prank, since that happens on a regular basis at Super Official News. Instead, I am honoring the following individual as the greatest prankster in the history of the world. The following pictures explain why.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin & SMN Banned In California

Evergreen Elementary School in Los Angeles

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin speaking to students at Evergreen Elementary School in Los Angeles.

This morning California lawmakers voted in favor of permanently banning the organization known as STOP Masturbating NOW (SMN). This means that the organization, their current employees and even their mascot who goes by the name of Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin can no longer ‘legally’ enter the state or promote their message there again.

Nancy Pelosi who represents California’s 12th congressional district told reporters the ban was an obvious decision that needed to happen immediately. “Their organization’s mascot, Fappy®, was going around different elementary schools in the state spreading complete and utter lies. While he was here in San Francisco this month he collected thousands of signatures from children as young as 5-years-old promising to never masturbate,” Pelosi said. “Dave Myers who is a spokesman for their organization was going on different radio shows presenting ridiculous lies as fact. He claimed that while Fappy® was in San Francisco he single-handily lowered the amount of “masturbators” and “the gays” by over 80%. The judgement that was passed down today was a no-brainer.”

Officer Erich Sean with the The San Francisco Police Department said he was amazed with the amount of problems the organization caused in such a short period of time. “Just a week ago their mascot, Paul Horner, was arrested in Portland for public masturbation. While in San Francisco he was walking around the city, harassing citizens and scaring the children,” Sean said. “This group is hypocritical and just a huge scam masquerading as some sort of public service. They are just pure evil and I’m glad we won’t ever be seeing them again.”

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation in affiliation with SMN told reporters they plan to repeal the ban. “This ruling won’t hold up and we’ll be back in California again soon, I can promise you that,” Myers said. “We are a Federally Funded Organization. The state might ban us, but federal laws always trump state law, so there’s your answer right there. Those California senators that voted in favor of this ban can go f*ck themselves.”

Mitch Hedberg with the San Francisco Examiner explained in his article this morning that he approves of the ban. “I used to masturbate. I still do, but I used to, too.”

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. For a complete list of dates and locations of this nationwide tour, click here. For more information or if you would like your school to participate, please call the 24-hour Anti-Masturbation Tour Hotline at (785) 273-0325.


STOP masturbation NOW on FacebookSTOP Masturbation NOW

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin on FacebookFappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin needs your help and support in ending masturbation! Get your very own Fappy® merchandise here!

Hilarious Ideas For Pranking People On April Fool’s Day

Ideas for pranks on April Fool's Day

Fun ideas for pranking people on April Fool’s Day.

It is getting close to April Fool’s Day, the best day of the year. Here is some fun ideas to make your ‘prank day’ the best day it can possibly be!

1. If you are a guy, put a banana in your pants and see if anyone notices. If you are a girl, put balloons in your bra. People will definitely do a double take!

2. Dump an entire tube of glitter into the shampoo of the person you are living with. Watch the surprised look on their face when their body is covered head to toe with glitter.

3. If you work in an office, cover the sensor on everyone’s optical mouse with tape. Then change everyone’s background to rotate through images with one of them being porn. Then on everyone’s computer change the Windows startup sound to a 5 hour long mix that you have created. Include groaning, whispers, crying, cricket noises, anything you can think of. Get creative! Just make sure in between the sounds leave 10-20 minutes of silence to really freak them out. Then set fire to the building leaving no evidence behind. Make sure to frame your as*hole co-worker Paul Horner, or whatever his or her name may be. Nothing is funnier than someone serving 10-15 years in prison for a crime they did not commit!

4. Build a meth lab. Use your crystal meth that you make to sell to children at elementary schools and various parks. Get women in your neighborhood addicted to the drug and then whore them out for money. It will be a prank that will ensure fun and excitement year round!

5. If you are a female and give birth to a child of a different skin color, tell your husband that it was immaculate conception. Your husband will be so proud that you are bringing into this world the second coming of Jesus Christ. Also as a side note, it’s important to point out that this event was the first recorded ‘cheating wife excuse story’ in history, that just got way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, waaaaaaay out of hand.

Anyway, good luck, stay safe and have fun!

Fun fact: I actually did standup comedy of what you just read. Enjoy!

… or don’t, whatever. I’m the one with the sweet website and you’re just sitting behind your desk masturbating.