Deep Thoughts by Paul Horner

Deep Thoughts by Paul Horner

This is a tribute to the comic genius Jack Handey, whose real name was actually Jack Handey.

  • I opened up a fortune cookie recently that said to treat others how you would want to be treated. So now I walk around giving hand jobs to everyone I meet.
  • Hostage negotiators really get on my nerves. They’re always asking me what I want, trying to calm me down, asking annoying questions about my hostages, but in the back off my mind I know they’re not really my friend. They are just using me for my hostages.
  • Sometimes I wish I was BFFs with Suge Knight. We would go to the movies together, ride on the roller coasters and share our deepest secrets. But even with all that fun happening, I would always be worried about him killing me at any moment.
  • What if Jesus didn’t really die for our sins? What if he died because he was nailed to a cross?
  • Sometimes I’m frustrated when crimes go unsolved. What if it was the dogs who let themselves out?
  • Some people like to make it rain at the strip club. I’m on a budget though so I can’t do that. Instead I throw nickles on the stage. I call it making it hail.
  • Drinking five 5-hour energy drinks will give you 25 hours of energy, and since there is only 24 hours in a day, you will die.
  • I know that things are changing and I’m getting older. I notice some of my friends are starting to have kids on purpose.
  • My friend Dave came over the other day and I made us a pizza. He asked me if this was delivery and I asked him if he was fucking stupid.
  • I wish I had a friend that did a lot of acid every day and always liked to explain how hard he was tripping balls. It would be even better if for a profession he was a fireman. He might not save any lives or even put out one fire, but it would be really funny.
  • For April Fool’s Day I told my parents that I was gay. They then told me how happy they were and that they had always suspected it. Then I said, “Ha, ha, ha, just joking, April Fools!” It was the worst April Fool’s Day ever.
  • What if the boys were already on their way to the yard and the milkshakes had nothing to do with it?
  • I like giving girls orgasms. I don’t like it when they spit it out though.

[Updated 04-23-13] I did standup comedy with this material. I think it went alright. I hope you enjoy it!

What, a, prankster…

For April Fool’s Day I am not posting an April Fool’s prank, since that happens on a regular basis at Super Official News. Instead, I am honoring the following individual as the greatest prankster in the history of the world. The following pictures explain why.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin & SMN Banned In California

Evergreen Elementary School in Los Angeles

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin speaking to students at Evergreen Elementary School in Los Angeles.

This morning California lawmakers voted in favor of permanently banning the organization known as STOP Masturbating NOW (SMN). This means that the organization, their current employees and even their mascot who goes by the name of Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin can no longer ‘legally’ enter the state or promote their message there again.

Nancy Pelosi who represents California’s 12th congressional district told reporters the ban was an obvious decision that needed to happen immediately. “Their organization’s mascot, Fappy®, was going around different elementary schools in the state spreading complete and utter lies. While he was here in San Francisco this month he collected thousands of signatures from children as young as 5-years-old promising to never masturbate,” Pelosi said. “Dave Myers who is a spokesman for their organization was going on different radio shows presenting ridiculous lies as fact. He claimed that while Fappy® was in San Francisco he single-handily lowered the amount of “masturbators” and “the gays” by over 80%. The judgement that was passed down today was a no-brainer.”

Officer Erich Sean with the The San Francisco Police Department said he was amazed with the amount of problems the organization caused in such a short period of time. “Just a week ago their mascot, Paul Horner, was arrested in Portland for public masturbation. While in San Francisco he was walking around the city, harassing citizens and scaring the children,” Sean said. “This group is hypocritical and just a huge scam masquerading as some sort of public service. They are just pure evil and I’m glad we won’t ever be seeing them again.”

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation in affiliation with SMN told reporters they plan to repeal the ban. “This ruling won’t hold up and we’ll be back in California again soon, I can promise you that,” Myers said. “We are a Federally Funded Organization. The state might ban us, but federal laws always trump state law, so there’s your answer right there. Those California senators that voted in favor of this ban can go f*ck themselves.”

Mitch Hedberg with the San Francisco Examiner explained in his article this morning that he approves of the ban. “I used to masturbate. I still do, but I used to, too.”

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. For a complete list of dates and locations of this nationwide tour, click here. For more information or if you would like your school to participate, please call the 24-hour Anti-Masturbation Tour Hotline at (785) 273-0325.

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STOP masturbation NOW on FacebookSTOP Masturbation NOW

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin on FacebookFappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin needs your help and support in ending masturbation! Get your very own Fappy® merchandise here!

Hilarious Ideas For Pranking People On April Fool’s Day

Ideas for pranks on April Fool's Day

Fun ideas for pranking people on April Fool’s Day.

It is getting close to April Fool’s Day, the best day of the year. Here is some fun ideas to make your ‘prank day’ the best day it can possibly be!

1. If you are a guy, put a banana in your pants and see if anyone notices. If you are a girl, put balloons in your bra. People will definitely do a double take!

2. Dump an entire tube of glitter into the shampoo of the person you are living with. Watch the surprised look on their face when their body is covered head to toe with glitter.


3. If you work in an office, cover the sensor on everyone’s optical mouse with tape. Then change everyone’s background to rotate through images with one of them being porn. Then on everyone’s computer change the Windows startup sound to a 5 hour long mix that you have created. Include groaning, whispers, crying, cricket noises, anything you can think of. Get creative! Just make sure in between the sounds leave 10-20 minutes of silence to really freak them out. Then set fire to the building leaving no evidence behind. Make sure to frame your as*hole co-worker Paul Horner, or whatever his or her name may be. Nothing is funnier than someone serving 10-15 years in prison for a crime they did not commit!

4. Build a meth lab. Use your crystal meth that you make to sell to children at elementary schools and various parks. Get women in your neighborhood addicted to the drug and then whore them out for money. It will be a prank that will ensure fun and excitement year round!

5. If you are a female and give birth to a child of a different skin color, tell your husband that it was immaculate conception. Your husband will be so proud that you are bringing into this world the second coming of Jesus Christ. Also as a side note, it’s important to point out that this event was the first recorded ‘cheating wife excuse story’ in history, that just got way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, waaaaaaay out of hand.

Anyway, good luck, stay safe and have fun!

Fun fact: I actually did standup comedy of what you just read. Enjoy!

… or don’t, whatever. I’m the one with the sweet website and you’re just sitting behind your desk masturbating.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin Arrested For Public Masturbation

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here speaking to children about the dangers and consequences of masturbation.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here on March 15th at Evergreen Elementary School in Los Angeles, California.

Portland, OR — In an ironic twist of a fate, a mascot for a federally funded 31-city nationwide school tour focusing on educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of masturbation was arrested yesterday in Portland, Oregon for masturbating in public.

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now spoke to reporters about the future of the tour after this recent setback. “Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy® has helped thousands of adults and children live a masturbation-free lifestyle. Fappy® also collected thousands of signatures from children promising to never masturbate; he did great things,” Childs said. “It’s a shame how the media is portraying Fappy® right now. All the good that he’s done, all the lives he’s saved, all ruined by some ‘alleged’ public masturbation charge. I ask each and every one of you to keep Fappy® in your prayers until this nonsense is resolved.” Childs continued, “Until he is bonded out, Rubit® The Anti-Masturbation Rabbit will temporarily be taking his place on the school tour until we can get this mess sorted out. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.”

Fappy®, whose real identity is 34-year-old Arizona resident Paul Horner, told CNN by phone that he plans to make the most of his imprisonment. “I want to apologize to all my amazing fans out there, I love you all,” Horner said. “I will make the most of this bad situation. Jail is just a hotbed for self-rape and immoral acts. I plan to do everything in my power to stop the masturbation currently happening in this jail.” Horner continued, “Satan’s wicked ways came over me in a moment of weakness and I’m now paying dearly for it. At this jail though, it seems everyone here is having moments of weakness at least four or five times a day. God willing I’ll be able to put an end to all of that debauchery once and for all.”

“Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape,” Childs told reporters. “It leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease. This nationwide tour is designed to help make children and parents aware of the dangers of masturbation in and outside of the home. If your arms are long enough to touch your private areas, you are a possible suspect in raping yourself.” Childs continued, “With the help of god and people like Horner, one day masturbation will finally be illegal.”

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. For a complete list of dates and locations of this nationwide tour, click here. For more information or if you would like your school to participate, please call the 24-hour Anti-Masturbation Tour Hotline at (785) 273-0325.

Horner is being held at the Multnomah County Jail awaiting his bond hearing. He is currently charged with public masturbation, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and sexual exploitation of a child.

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STOP masturbation NOW on FacebookSTOP Masturbation NOW

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin on FacebookFappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin needs your help and support in ending masturbation! Get your very own Fappy® merchandise here!

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin Kicks Off Nationwide School Tour

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here speaking to children about the dangers of masturbation.

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here speaking to children about the dangers and consequences of masturbation.

New York, NY — Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and STOP Masturbation NOW are proud to announce a 31-city nationwide school tour focusing on educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of masturbation.

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now said he is excited about the tour. “Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin kicked off his nationwide school tour at Pansy Kidd Middle School in Poteau, Oklahoma with a bang. While there, Fappy® answered questions and spoke to students about the dangers of masturbation.”

“The kids just love him,” said 64-year old Paul Horner who is a teacher at Pansy Kidd Middle School. “Fappy® makes the kids laugh and educates them at the same time. He also is quite the tickle monster and the children just love wrestling with him. We can’t wait for Fappy® to come back next year!”

“Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape,” Childs told reporters. “It leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease. This nationwide tour is designed to help make children and parents aware of the dangers of masturbation in and outside of the home. If your arms are long enough to touch your private areas, you are a possible suspect in raping yourself.” Childs continued, “God willing, one day masturbation will be illegal.”

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach children and adults about the dangers of masturbation. For a complete list of dates and locations of this tour, click here. For more information or if you would like Fappy® to visit your child’s school please call the 24-hour Fappy® Nationwide School Tour Hotline.

  • Fappy® Nationwide School Tour Hotline: (785) 273-0325

STOP masturbation NOW on FacebookSTOP Masturbation NOW

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin on FacebookFappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin needs your help and support in ending masturbation! Get your very own Fappy® merchandise here!

Woman Kills Five People For Not Accepting Her Friend Requests On Facebook

Woman kills five for not accepting her friend requests on Facebook

Lashawndra Harris killed five people when they did not accept her friend request on Facebook.

DeQuincy, LA — Lashawndra Harris from DeQuincy, Louisiana was arrested and charged today in connection with five murders. Harris had been dubbed by police as the ‘Facebook Friend Request Killer’ because at the scene of every murder a card was left on the victim’s body that showed the Facebook logo along with the section of the site where you can accept or deny an individual’s friend request.

Detective Paul Horner with the DeQuincy Police Department explained how Harris was finally apprehended. “She is probably the worst serial killer in the history of serial killers. At every murder scene she would leave a ‘calling card’ on the bodies with scribbled words written on each one such as, ‘Maybe next time you’ll be my friend on Facebook motherf*cker’, or ‘Who’s got more friends on Facebook now b*tch!’,” Horner said. “All of the people that were murdered lived in the same apartment building or were people that knew Harris personally. We then found a Facebook account belonging to Ms. Harris. In her ‘about’ section she specifically wrote the words, ‘If you don’t accept my friend request I will kill you’,” Horner continued, “She also said in her profile, ‘If we’re friends on Facebook, we cool. If you don’t want to be friends with me on Facebook, we have a problem’. So yeah, we knew we had the right person.”


Leron Jenkins who was a neighbor of Harris said he was approached by her just days before the arrest. “I didn’t like her, she was scary. She told me that if I didn’t accept her friend request on Facebook she would literally cut my balls off. So, long story short, I accepted her friend request.”

“When we raided her house today we found Ms. Harris at her computer on Facebook sending out more friend requests,” Horner said. “It’s a good thing we caught her before more people could deny her friend request.”

If anyone has any information about Lashawndra Harris police are urging you to call (785) 273-0325. As always you can remain anonymous.

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Not Lashawndra Harris but actually a Michelle Allen

Not Lashawndra Harris but actually a mugshot of Michelle Allen.

[Updated at 03-17-13 | 8:05 PM PDT] The Super Official Action News Team has just received word that the woman in the above mugshot is not Lashawndra Harris but actually a Michelle Allen.

At Super Official News we pride ourselves on the integrity and quality of our journalistic reporting. We sincerely apologize for any misunderstanding this may have caused. As of this moment we are still trying to locate the actual mugshot of Lashawndra Harris.

As for Michelle Allen, Ohio Police say she had threatened police and urinated on a neighbor’s front porch.

Police say Allen was arrested for causing traffic problems, chasing kids in her neighborhood and not complying with police when they told her to return home. The police report stated officials could smell alcohol on her breath and her words were slurred.

Allen pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct and was sentenced to a month in jail.

Major Mark Hoffman, with Middletown, Ohio Police says while Allen was in court, she challenged people to “suck her udders.” No information has been released as to why she was wearing the cow costume.

Allen has been arrested over 50 times on charges ranging from theft to prostitution.

SOURCE

5 Helpful Tips To Improve Your Dining Experience

5 Helpful Tips To Improve Your Dining ExperienceA year ago I received a $25,000 grant from the government to do a study on dining etiquette. I traveled around the world visiting various restaurants & eateries, talking with waiters and waitresses, learning the secrets to getting the best service possible. So after one year of extensive research and study, I have put together a list of five simple tips to make sure your next dining experience is absolutely magical

1. ALWAYS snap your fingers at the server
This makes the server feel needed and will guarantee that you get your order as fast as possible. The more snapping, the faster the service will be.

2. Bring as many children with you as possible
While dining out it is important to let your server know that they are a part of your family. If the server’s name is Dave, have the children call him ‘Uncle Dave’.

A crying infant at the table is always a good idea. A good server will know exactly how to help, thus making him or her feel important. This will also reassure them that they are truly a part of your family.

As for budgeting, one plate of food can usually feed 10-15 children. Make sure you request a small plate for each child so they can still have their own individual meal. A glass for each child is a good idea too since I recommend 8-9 large pitchers of water. Enough to bathe in if at all possible. This will keep your expenses down and make for a fun bonding experience.

3. Leave pamphlets about Jesus Christ
A good server will always appreciate your attempts to save their soul from eternal hell-fire and damnation. Also it is important to note that most servers rarely leave the restaurant that they work at. Any information about the outside world is always much appreciated.

4. Do not leave a tip
This is a common mistake that most people make. Leaving a tip for your server is a big turn off and will appear clingy. Remember, you have already attempted to save their soul. There is no reason to include monetary gratuities on top of that.

When paying your bill, split the check up as many ways as possible. Make sure each person has at least 3 or 4 seperate checks consisting of payments for cash, credit card and whatever else you think your server will find fun and exciting. I personally recommend rare ‘Wooden Bills’ used in post-war Germany. Also ask your server if they are open to the idea to trade or barter. Maybe your pair of new Nikes will pay for dinner? You never know until you ask.

5. Leave your table as messy as possible
If you have done the correct thing and ordered all your food on the side, there should be a lot of plates. Remember to hide the used napkins in and around the table; make a game out of it.  Use every condiment available to you to create a painting on the table; get creative! Everyone loves art and so will your server. Just remember, by doing all of this, it will give your server more time to meditate and collect his or her thoughts while clearing the masterpiece that you have left behind.

By following these five simple tips you are guaranteed to have the most enjoyable dining experience of your life! You’re welcome!

Paul Horner
Super Official Action News Team

Super Official Action News Team

Fun fact: I did standup comedy using this material. Enjoy!

Disney Announces Plans For 26,000 Star Wars Movies In The Next 5 Years

Darth Vader and Disney have teamed up

Seen here is a promotional photo for Disney’s ‘Darth Vader Heads West’, scheduled for release next week.

Hollywood, CA — Fanboys around the world are celebrating as Disney has just announced plans for an additional 26,000 Star Wars movies to be released in the next 5 years. This news comes just months after Disney acquired George LucasLucasfilm Ltd. which  includes the rights to the entire Star Wars franchise.

Paul Horner who is Chairman & CEO of Disney said these are exciting times for the company. “No matter if you’re 9 or 90 years old, we have a Star Wars movie coming out just for you. Even if you don’t like Star Wars, we have a movie for that too!”

“There’s probably 100 or so of these new Star Wars movies I would like to see, but definitely not the other 25,900,” says Lucasfilm’s head animator Kyle Brock. “The problem happened when some executive over at Disney that goes by just the name ‘Paul‘, like Seal or some bullsh*t like that, heard a rumor that he wasn’t supposed to tell anybody about, but he did anyway. Now he’s trying to make up for his mistake by releasing all these thousands of crap Star Wars movies,” Brock said. “He still deserves a beat-down in my opinion because the damage has already been done. I mean, Hakuna Matata now means, may the Force be with you. What the f*ck is that all about?”

Before ending the press conference, Horner left a list of the next 6 Star Wars films coming to theaters or DVD this week:

  • Yoda & Shrek’s Great Adventure
    Yoda is Shrek’s great grandfather and attempts to show Skrek the ways of the Force while at the same time getting into wacky adventures.
  • Pinocchio: Lightsaber Of Death
    Pinocchio’s nose becomes a lightsaber and has to fight off members of the dark side.
  • Lady and the Tramp in Space
    Han Solo and Princess Leia share a meatball and get romantically involved as they fight off evil villains in different parts of the galaxy.
  • Mickey Mouse & Luke Skywalker’s Day Off
    Mickey Mouse and Luke Skywalker sit around a kitchen table, drinking tea, talking about current events and different women that they have been with throughout their lives.
  • C-3PO and Wall-E Forever
    C-3PO and Wall-E are gay lovers who live together in a one bedroom apartment in the redneck town of DeQuincy, Louisiana. It is a touching story about two gay robots and their struggles with society to accept them for who they are.
  • Jedi Computer Skills
    A 3 hour long documentary about turning off your computer, leaving your parents basement and talking to the opposite sex, just like a real Jedi would do.

Brock told reporters he does not approve of Disney’s buyout of Lucasfilm. “Disney is the definition of corporate greed, who are making as many Star Wars movies as possible, just because they can and they know they will make money, regardless if it tarnishes the Star Wars brand forever,” Brock said. “And what happens after five years when the first 26,000 movies are released, are they just going to make another 26,000 movies? It’s just not cool George Lucas, it’s not cool at all.”

In order to make all 26,000 movies in 5 years Disney will be releasing a little over 14 films per day on average. The stock and cash transaction of Disney’s purchase of Lucasfilm totaled an estimated $4.05 billion. The deal was approved in October of last year by the Disney Board of Directors and Lucas, the sole Lucasfilm shareholder.

BREAKING NEWS: It’s Snowing In The Northeast, Again

Ken Harris shoveling his driveway in the Northeast

Ken Harris shoveling his sidewalk in the Northeast, again.

Boston, MA — A massive snow storm and blizzard is hitting the Northeast, again. The winter storm is stranding motorists on highways and piling up drifts so high that some homeowners are having problems getting their doors open. This may remind you of the great snow storm from 2012 where the exact same situation happened, along with every other year before that.

Ray Kelly from Boston said he gets frustrated every year around this exact same time. “I just keep telling myself that maybe this will be the year we don’t get blizzards and huge snow storms, but I’m always wrong,” Kelly said. “Well, maybe next year.”

Paul Horner who is weather man for WCVB said he was amazed with all the snowfall happening in the Northeast. “When I first heard about the snowstorm I couldn’t understand how this could be possible. To see all this snow in February during the winter time, it just blows your mind,” Horner said. “I just want to say a word to all of our loyal viewers and readers; if you’re out in the snow, without clothes on, go back inside your home and put clothes on immediately. Then proceed to do what you’ve always done during February for the past 100 years or however long you’ve lived in the Northeast.”

73-year-old Wanda Jenkins from Sun City, Arizona told reporters she cannot believe the news about all the snowstorms and blizzards happening in the Northeast. “Oh lawd, it’s just horrible. Have you seen the news lately? It’s snowing like crazy in the Northeast, again. And all of this during wintertime, in February, just like it always does,” Jenkins said. “I’m planning on sending care packages to all of my relatives that live in the Northeast. Each box will be filled with fake snow and photographs of my beautiful backyard and garden. I think I’ll take the pictures this Saturday when it’s supposed to be 80 degrees out along with clear blue skies.”

The National Weather Service is warning people living in the Northeast to expect more snow and blizzards. The threat level on their website has been elevated to “Normal”, which is where it has been since threat levels for snow and blizzards in the Northwest began being documented over 50 years ago.

If you know of a family member or loved one living in the Northeast, expect them to call you complaining about the weather. Make sure you have caller ID or a block in place so you can disregard their bitching that happens every year at this exact same time.