Facebook To Fine Users That Post While Drunk; Breathalyzer For Repeat Offenders

Menlo Park, CA — At a press conference this morning, Facebook rolled out their new fee structure for those that use the social media website while intoxicated. Beginning January 1st of next year, Facebook says it will start implementing fees ranging from $20 all the way upwards of $1,000 for repeat offenders. The social media giant says the move is to keep inappropriate content off the site and maintain a family-friendly oriented place for individuals to gather online.

“We thought long and hard about this decision, but at the end of the day, we had no choice but to add these fees,” Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg told reporters. “If we don’t do something about all the belligerent postings on Facebook, we could face an unrecoverable financial burden and become obsolete.”

“This is excellent news for Facebook stock holders,” says Wall Street analyst Dale Sackrider. “As of August this year, Facebook had a total of 1.317 billion users. If just 10% of those members pay the new fees associated with inebriated postings on Facebook, that will mean an annual influx of cash totaling roughly $100 billion. That’s not just an increase in profits of a few dollars, that’s a game changer right there.”



In an interview with CNN, Facebook spokesman Paul Horner explained the reason for the fees.

“Economic times are tight, the ads on Facebook are not as profitable as we had planned. Our costs are going up as hundreds of thousands of individuals continue to join the site every day,” Horner said. “There’s so many pictures of cats, and all of those costs add up, we just can’t foot the bill any longer. Bottom line is, if you post on Facebook while intoxicated, you will pay a penalty for that.”

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, a mascot for a Christian anti-masturbation group, says their business could not survive without Facebook.

“Charging people to use Facebook while drunk means there won’t be as many masturbating heathens on the site cluttering it up with their obscene language and misspellings, which makes my job much easier. Personally, I like Facebook because it helps me promote my side business of making personalized video greetings. Those videos are good, clean fun for the whole family, and they also help pay for my anger management and sex offender classes. Praise Fappy!”



Horner spoke to reporters about repeat offenders who continue to use the site while intoxicated.

“We’re extremely excited about the launch of a new breathalyzer chat and status update posting feature. Violators will now be required to blow into the Facebookalyzer™ before posting a status update or chatting with friends. The idea is to help other users get a better perspective on what they’re reading or who they are chatting with based on that person’s blood alcohol level,” Horner said. “Users with a blood alcohol level over .15 will now be blocked from posting or chatting about such things as boyfriends, girlfriends, exes, religion, politics or personal stances on activism of any kind. The topics for these users are limited to such things as mini-giraffes and recipes for pumpkin pie.”

45-year-old Tom Downey from Arlington, Ohio says he enjoys using the Facebookalyzer™.

“Before I would drink a fifth of Jack Daniels, go online and rant about how much of a b*tch my girlfriend is or how much I love her. Now with this new feature from Facebook that doesn’t happen anymore. Thanks Facebookalyzer™!”


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Ray Rice And Wife Janay Announce Charity Cage Match In Las Vegas

Ray Rice cage match in Las Vegas

Poster for the Rice vs. Rice cage match being held in Las Vegas at the MGM Grand next month. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Las Vegas, NV — Just days after the elevator knockout heard around the world, Ray Rice and wife Janay have announced a charity cage match to help abused women in India.

“This is for a really good cause,” Janay Rice told reporters. “We’re going to turn this negativity into something positive. The money raised from this will help thousands of women in India get a proper education, shelter, food, help in getting out of abusive relationships, rape counseling and much more!”

MGM Grand spokesman Paul Horner told CNN he is excited about the upcoming event. “Tickets went on sale this morning for the ‘Elevator Showdown’ and we’re already more than halfway sold out. This is something everyone wants to see because the elevator video we all saw wasn’t enough. Society’s taste for violence will be satisfied next month when these two meet in the cage to settle their differences once and for all. This is going to be the cage match of the century!”

Rice told reporters he’s looking forward to the cage match being held at the MGM Grand next month.

“This time she’s not going to be able to just fall on the ground and act like she’s knocked out. If she tries that again it’s really going to be lights out for her. I’ll teach her to respect a man,” Rice said. “I’m really excited about how much money this will raise to help woman in India that are in abusive relationships.”

“In the video people saw that I was only able to hit Ray in the face a few times, but that’s nothing,” Janay told reporters. “On October 24th, I’ll get my revenge. After I’m done with him I’ll make sure he can’t walk right. It’s not like he’ll be playing football any time soon.” Janay laughs.

The Baltimore Ravens, who cut Rice on Monday, donated five thousand Ray Rice jerseys to a local battered women’s shelter. What the woman will do with the jerseys is still unclear.

Vegas oddsmakers so far have Rice winning the cage match but insiders say a knockout by Janay is extremely possible with that paying out 7-1. Giveindia.org gives 90% of the money it collects directly to the cause of helping women in India. The ‘Elevator Showdown’ is scheduled for 5 rounds and will be held at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Nevada at 8pm on October 24th. Tickets can be purchased online or by calling (785) 273-0325.

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Facebook Adding ‘Satire’ Tags To Fox News Articles

Menlo Park, CA — What some are calling a “harmless prank” is being taken very seriously by the Fox News Channel. On Sunday, the links on Facebook which display related articles by Fox News were showing ‘satire’ tags beside them. No one is sure if this is permanent, temporary or a mistake, but lawyers of Fox are not taking the issue lightly.

“This is a programmer or someone at Facebook, a comedian,” Paul Horner, a lawyer for Fox News told reporters. “If these tags are not removed in 48 hours Facebook will have a multimillion dollar lawsuit on their hands.”

Fox News has satire tags on Facebook

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Christian Anti-Masturbation Group Sues Other Christian Anti-Masturbation Group For $350 Million Claiming Trademark Infringement

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin speaking to students

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here at Westview Elementary School in Apple Valley, Minnesota while on his 31-city nationwide anti-masturbation school tour. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Creve Coeur, MO — A federally funded Christian anti-masturbation organization claims that another federally funded Christian anti-masturbation organization has violated their intellectual property and is now suing for millions.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and their parent organization Stop Masturbation Now have accused Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Shark of using the same name of their famous dolphin mascot, ‘Fappy’. According to the suit, they believe that using the name “causes a likelihood of confusion”.

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Governor Jan Brewer Pardons Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin For Masturbating In Public

Jan Brewer pardons Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin AKA Paul Horner

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer seen here making the pardon for Paul Horner AKA Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin official / Photo courtesy of PhotosByJoseMunoz.com

Phoenix, AZ — Arizona Governor Jan Brewer announced her controversial decision today granting a full pardon to 35-year-old Phoenix resident Paul Horner, known to his thousands of followers as Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin. Horner made world news last month after his ironic arrest for public masturbation.

“I did a lot of soul searching before making this decision,” Brewer told CNN. “We all make mistakes in life. When it comes down to it, we must ask ourselves, would a person like Mr. Horner be better for society locked up behind bars or outside helping the children of this great country learn about the dangers of masturbation? I think the question answers itself.”

Horner, who was arrested last month outside Metta Yoga in Phoenix after employees notified police about a man with no pants on peering through office windows, said he is thrilled with the governor’s decision. “This makes Fappy® very happy,” Horner told reporters. “To be honest I would have been fine either way, in jail, out of jail, it doesn’t matter; my message always stays the same. The prisons in Arizona are just a hotbed of self-rape, that I had planned to fix. Maybe I’ll get a chance to do this the next time I get arrested.” Horner continued, “Thank you Jan Brewer, you are now a member of team Fappy® and we’re glad to have you!”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now spoke with reporters about the future of the organization after this recent setback. “Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy® has helped tens of thousands of adults and children learn about living a masturbation-free lifestyle. During all his years of visiting schools around the world, Fappy® has collected thousands of signatures from children promising never to masturbate; he has done great things,” Childs said. “It’s a shame how the media had portrayed Fappy® after the arrest. Paul Horner is a great man. He is passionate about his work, he loves being Fappy®, he loves the kids. They even have a nickname for him, they call him the tickle monster. That all could have been ruined by some trumped-up charges by the Phoenix five-oh. Arizonans are lucky to have such a fine governor like Brewer, one who steps in like that to help those who are really in need. She’s a magical woman and loves everyone, of course except the blacks, Mexicans and the gays. Praise Jan Brewer! Praise Fappy®!”

Many governors are reluctant to grant pardons. The reason, according to analysts, is mostly political. Statistically, if you are convicted of a felony in Arizona, you are more likely to be struck by lightning than granted clemency by the governor. Excluding the cases of inmates nearing the end of a terminal illness, Brewer is on track to grant the fewest clemency cases in more than two decades — even when a judge and unanimous board recommend a shorter sentence. What made the governor have a change of heart with Fappy®, one may never know.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach both children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. For more information or if you would like the group to visit your child’s school call (785) 273-0325.

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Christian Anti-Masturbation Group’s Mascot Arrested For Public Masturbation

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here speaking to children about the dangers and consequences of masturbation.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here at Evergreen Elementary School in Los Angeles, California while on his nationwide tour.

Phoenix, AZ — In an ironic twist of a fate, a mascot for a Christian anti-masturbation organization was arrested Sunday for masturbating in public. The group recently finished a federally funded 31-city nationwide school tour which it says focused on educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of masturbation.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, whose real name is 35-year-old Paul Horner, was arrested on Sunday at Metta Yoga in Phoenix after employees notified police about a man with no pants on peering through office windows.

Tom Downey with the Phoenix Police Department, who took Horner into custody, spoke with Arizona news station ABC 15 about the arrest. “We thought at first he was possibly intoxicated or mentally unstable, ya know, talking about children and how deadly it is for them to masturbate. Telling us he was in town with a Christian organization aimed at talking with children about the dangers of masturbation. Saying things like, ‘They need to stop playing on the devil’s playground, stop pounding their devil stick or ringing the Devil’s doorbell’,” Downey said. “Things got very odd when Horner broke down crying in the back of my cruiser and began making noises, kind of like a fish, saying that he believed himself to be an actual dolphin. It was really strange.”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now spoke with reporters about the future of the organization after this recent setback. “Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy has helped tens of thousands of adults and children learn to live a masturbation-free lifestyle. During his visits to schools around the world, Fappy has collected thousands of signatures from children promising to never masturbate; he has done great things,” Childs said. “It’s a shame how the media is portraying Fappy right now. Paul Horner is a great man. He’s passionate about his work, he loves being Fappy, he loves the kids. They even have a nickname for him, they call him the tickle monster. But now, all of that is possibly ruined by some trumped-up charges by the Phoenix five-oh, such a shame. I have activated my prayer app and I ask each and every one of you to keep Fappy in your prayers until this incident is resolved. Praise Fappy!”

Horner told CNN by phone that he plans to make the most of his imprisonment. “I want to apologize to all my amazing fans out there, I love and miss you all,” Horner said. “You have my word that I will make the most of this bad situation. Jail is just a hotbed for self-rape and immoral acts. I plan to do everything in my power to stop the masturbation currently happening in this jail.”

On the group’s Facebook page this morning, news was posted of the arrest.

I have some bad news everyone. I want you to hear it here first before the media outlets spread their lies about the incident. Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, whose real name is Paul Horner, was arrested yesterday by Phoenix police. Our lawyers tell us he is being charged with public masturbation, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. He is currently being held at the 4th Avenue Jail in Phoenix, Arizona until a bond is set by a judge, this happening hopefully soon. Please don’t jump to any conclusions about this until we have all the evidence. Please keep Fappy in your prayers during this difficult time.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach both children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. For more information or if you would like the group to visit your child’s school call (785) 273-0325.

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Samsung Pays Apple $290 Million Fine With Quarters – 90 Semi Trucks Full Of Them

Samsung pays entire $290 million fine to Apple in quarters.

Cupertino, CA — This morning Apple’s headquarters in California received quite the surprise when 90 semi-trucks filled with quarters arrived at their front entrance. Initially the security company that protects the facility told the drivers they were at the wrong place. Minutes later, Apple CEO, Tim Cook, received a call from Samsung CEO, Kwon Oh Hyun, explaining that this is how they intend to pay the $290 million fine recently ruled against the South Korean company – all in quarters, 1,160,000,000 of them.

The signed document of the lawsuit does not specify a payment method, so Samsung is rightfully entitled to pay Apple however they see fit.

In August 2012, a jury awarded Apple over $1 billion in damages in their patent infringement case against Samsung. This sparked a story that Samsung paid the fine to Apple entirely in nickels — sending 30 trucks full of nickels to their headquarters. A picture also circulated showing coins pouring down a ramp in a warehouse along with video of delivery trucks driving down a city street.

All of this made for an interesting story, but unfortunately it never happened. At the time, the fine was not payable because the judge had not made his ruling yet. U.S. District Judge Lucy Koh ordered a retrial to determine damages for 13 products after the previous jury awarded Apple $1.05 billion, which she decided was miscalculated.


In November a decision by a new jury was announced ordering Samsung to pay Apple $290 million. Hyun who did not agree with the ruling, was so moved by the billion dollars nickel hoax, he decided to pay the $290 million fine in quarters.

“We have paid the $290 million fine the judge ordered. It took 90 semi trucks full of quarters to do it. We now consider this matter closed,” Hyun told CNN.

Hyun was asked by reporters if he regrets his actions. “No, not at all. Maybe this will give Apple employees change to use for the vending machines,” Hyun chuckled.

Paul Horner, who is a spokesman for Apple, told reporters Samsung’s actions are uncalled for. “Samsung showed their true colors today. What they did was immature and extremely unprofessional. If this is how they do business it amazes me they have been around for as long as they have.”

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India Ends Diplomatic Relations With The U.S. Over Satirical Article

Rape Festival in India

Image of the Assam Rape Festival news article on the National Report website.

Assam, INDIA — People in India are outraged by a satirical article that appeared on an American website reporting a rape festival taking place in India’s northeastern state of Assam. “We rape the evil demons out of the girls, otherwise they will cheat on us and we will be forced to kill them. So it is a win-win for everyone,” says the article published by the National Report.

Daarun Gupta who is the Assistant Commissioner of the Assam Police CID’s cyber crime cell told reporters the Indian Government has taken up a sue moto case holding the National Report and the author of the story accountable.

“It is a sensitive issue that clearly violates India’s cyber crime statutes and we have taken up the matter with the public prosecutor in New Delhi,” Gupta said. “We have requested an arrest warrant for the author and are asking the United States Government for extradition rights so that he may be prosecuted to the fullest extent of India law.” Gupta continued, “We are working around the clock with our top government officials, police agencies and lawyers to makes sure all parties are held accountable. This injustice will not go unpunished.”
Dr. Manmohan Singh who is the Prime Minister of India on Twitter posting about the Rape Festival
Today Dr. Manmohan Singh who is the Prime Minister of India held a press conference to address the issue. “This defiant act against the great people of India will not be tolerated, America has gone too far this time. This rape festival story is not funny whatsoever. The country of India is ending it’s diplomatic relations with the United States until we have received a sincere apology from President Barack Obama. The sacred country of India demands satisfaction!”

The National Report who published the article said the story was meant to highlight the very serious issue of rape in India while at the same time raising money for the woman of India through a charity called Give India, which is listed at the bottom of the article. While the story has led to all kinds of threats of violence and criminal/legal action against the author and site owner, one group from India returened the favor by publishing a story about America titled, “The Great American Mass Shooting Festival Begins Next Week” which has since gone viral.

Since the article appeared on the National Report website, GiveIndia.org who is the charity promoted at the bottom of the article has received over 2,000 unique visitors. The charity gives 90% – 95% of the money that is donated directly to the cause of helping women in India. This money provides them with proper education, shelter, food, help in getting out of abusive relationships, rape counseling and much more. GiveIndia.org is in no way associated with or responsible for the story or the views expressed in it.


34-year-old Jimmy Rustling from Phoenix, Arizona who is the author of the article told CNN the story was meant to raise awareness about the serious issue of rape in India while raising money for the woman that live there. “My story is an exaggeration of the truth. Most woman in India can’t get help or contact the police. If they get raped it shames their family, or the court finds that it was their fault because of the way they dressed, or they don’t believe in god hard enough, or there wasn’t enough witnesses, or they get stoned to death by reporting the rape, the list goes on and on. I can only imagine how many reported rapes there would actually be in India if they treated woman like human beings, having the same rights as men, instead of objects that are married slaves. Hopefully my article is a wake-up call to them. Get tough on rape India, stop allowing men to do this, this is what most of the world thinks of you. There could never be a “Dallas Rape Festival”, that would make no sense. Yes, there is rape that happens in the city of Dallas, but are they known for that? Of course not. It wouldn’t make any sense.” Rustling continues, “We only approved comments that believed the hoax. That was only 50 comments out of 10,000 or more. It’s my story and I feel the comments add to it. You can’t just ruin it for everybody by letting them know it’s a hoax. Also, I wrote at least 25 out of those 50 comments just to get things going. So that leaves just 25 comments by really stupid people. Watch out when you’re walking in a cross walk or on the street, basically whenever you’re outside your house. You never know who you will run into or how low their IQ will be.”

The “India Rape Festival” was posted on November 2nd and went viral with various social media outlets. As of today the story has over four hundred shares on Facebook. Mr. Rustling went into hiding early Friday morning fearing for his life but not before stating, “Can’t we all just get along?”

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WANT TO HELP THE WOMEN IN INDIA? THEN DO SOMETHING!

Giveindia.org gives 90%-95% of the money that you donate directly to the cause of helping women in India. This money provides them with proper education, shelter, food, help in getting out of abusive relationships, rape counseling and much more! NOTE: GiveIndia.org is in no way associated with or responsible for this article or the views expressed in it.

Click here to donate

Funny news

UPDATE 11/9/13: Woman of India, it’s your fault.

UPDATE 11/13/13:
Top India police official says, “If you can’t prevent rape, you enjoy it.”


I Received This Message Today

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation DolphinI received this message today from Paul Horner of Phoenix, Arizona:

Dear Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin,

I recently made friends with a couple who lives next door to me. They are about my age, have a 6-year-old daughter and a 4-year-old Labrador Retriever. A few weeks ago they said their babysitter had canceled on them at the last minute and asked if I could help. I didn’t really want to but they were a nice couple, their daughter and dog were pretty chill, so I thought it shouldn’t be a problem. So I say yes. Anyway, about 5 hours into this thing, it’s boring as shit. The 6-year-old is watching cartoons and the dog is doing dog things. So I start drinking. After a while I start hanging out with them on the couch. They pass out and I’m horny. I start looking at that thing and just want to put my dick in it. I know it’s illegal, but I drink some more and unfortunately give into my urges. After less than 30 seconds I realize how immoral and wrong it is what I’m doing so I stop. I quickly pull up my pants and run off to the master bedroom where I pass out.

In the morning I awake to the couple entering the house. I talk to them briefly, they attempt to pay me – which I decline, then I leave. For at least a week or two after that I am thinking at any moment the cops are going to knock on my door and arrest me; but they never do.

Anyway, long story short… Am I going to Hell for fucking the dog?

Thanks –

Paul Horner

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Dear Paul,

I did not read anything about masturbation in your story. I am only here to prevent self-rape so when it comes to that aspect of your story I think you are Hell-free. As for the dog, that could be a Hell-violation, but I do not have any knowledge or could I comment on that subject.

Best of luck to you!

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin
http://www.facebook.com/fappythedolphin

Guinness World Record For Longest Twitter Hashtag Has Been Announced

#HELLOIAMA34YEAROLDNAMEDPAULHORNERANDFUCKEDAHOTBLACKGIRLLASTNIGHTFORTHEFIRSTTIMEINMYLIFE
ANDITWASSOBIGBOOTYAWESOMEIJUSTHADTOBRAGABOUTITANDALSOPROMOTEBIGBOOTYHOESTOTHEWHITEGUYS
OUTTHERETHATAREAFRAIDBECAUSESERIOUSLYYOUHAVENOTHINGTOFEAREXCEPTHESTRONGPOSSIBILITYYOF
GETTINGROBBEDATGUNPOINTANDCATCHNGAIDSBUTREGARDLESSITISSTILLWORTHITJUSSAYINBOOMERNICHOLS

Guinness World Record For Longest Twitter Hashtag

Guinness World Record Hashtag award