Biggest Penis In The World

The record for the biggest penis size in the entire world belongs to 34-year-old Paul Horner from Phoenix, Arizona. He has by far the biggest penis in the world. The parents of Paul Horner are said to be very proud of their son and his huge penis.

The women all over the world fall in love with Paul not just because of his good looks, charming personality, witty sense of humor, enormous amount of wealth, but also because he has an extremely large penis. So obviously, he is quite the catch.

In summation:

Who has the biggest sized penis in the world? Paul Horner from Phoenix, AZ has the biggest penis in the world.

What is the biggest? Paul’s penis.

Who decided this? The world and Google.

Proof:

Biggest penis in the world

Gay-To-Straight Program To Be Implemented In All Virginia Public School Curriculums Beginning September 1st

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here speaking to children about the dangers of masturbation.

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here speaking to children about the dangers and consequences of masturbation is teaming up with ‘People Can Change’ in Virginia to help put an end to homosexuality in students grades K-12.

Richmond, VA — Beginning September 1st of this year, the state of Virginia is implementing a mandatory school program designed for all children grades K-12 to help homosexual males and females choose to become straight. The gay-to-straight conversion therapy treatment will be used in all of Virginia’s 2,186 public school curriculums and is already gathering a large amount of criticism as well as those who approve of the new program.

Paul Horner who is the brain child behind People Can Change spoke with Fox News about their plan to help all the gay children of Virginia. “Since 2000 ‘People Can Change‘ has been helping thousands of adults resolve their unwanted same-sex attractions. We bring the gay demons out of these individuals so they can become who god intended them to be. Our success and track record speaks for itself,” Horner said. “Facing the reality that you have unwanted homosexual feelings can cause tremendous turmoil – especially as a child whose feelings conflict with deeply held values, beliefs and life goals. But there is a way out. A path that leads them to resolve rather than fight their homosexual feelings. A path to authentic brotherhood and to our innate heterosexual masculinity.” Horner continued, “Our program with adults has been so successful over the years and thanks to Governor Bob McDonnell we will now be able to help all of the gay children in Virginia too.”

Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell who signed off on the the ‘People Can Change’ gay-to-straight conversion therapy treatment told CNN he is excited about the program. “A child has to choose to become gay because god would never create a homosexual. It’s a choice, not something they were born with – and that is a proven fact,” McDonnell said. “Can you imagine how much more productive these ‘now-straight’ children will be not always being bullied or wondering why god made them defective? Gay children will finally be able to learn who they truly are for once in their lives.” McDonnell continued, “What we are doing is monumental. I can only hope and pray that other states follow suit.”

Beau Hough who is the Senior Gay Development Analyst at ‘People Can Change’ told reporters about the exciting plans waiting in store for all the gay children of Virginia. “We have hired Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin from the organization Stop Masturbation Now to come in and speak with all of suspected gay students in Virginia. Having a dolphin mascot will loosen the tension for the children as they are told that if they continue to choose to be gay, they will then start masturbating and then will go to Hell for eternity in the afterlife.” Hough continued, “There’s nothing gayer than a male causing a penis to ejaculate, whether or not it’s his own. We will put an end to this horrible and evil travesty once and for all, just as Jesus would want it.”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of ‘Stop Masturbation Now’ said he is excited about the chance to help gay children in Virginia. “Homosexuality and masturbation is a gateway drug to rape,” Childs told reporters. “It leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease,” Childs said. “God willing, one day homosexuality and masturbation will be illegal.”

The organization ‘People Can Change’ is located in Ruckersville, Virginia. The group has gay-to-straight conversion facilities all around the country and has been in operation since May of 2000. ‘People Can Change’ can be contacted at 1-434-227-9346 or by email at rich@peoplecanchange.com.

National Report attempted to contact the Superintendent of Public Instruction for comment but as of press time had received no response.

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Joe Arpaio Implements New Inmate Pharmacy Work Program Filling Prescription Drugs For AZ Residents

Joe Arpaio explaining the new inmate Pharmacy work program that begins September 1st.

Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio seen here explaining the new inmate pharmacy work program to reporters.

Phoenix, AZ — Sheriff Joe Arpaio held a press conference today to announce a new controversial inmate work program that will take effect September 1st. The program allows inmates to fill prescription drugs for Arizona residents and in return will receive lesser prison sentences.

Arpaio told CNN about the benefits of the new program. “This is a genuine, progressive advance in corrections and rehabilitation. Our inmates, properly supervised, will be put to work outside these walls performing all manner of public service. These men and women can learn the value of an honest day’s labor while providing a valuable service to the community — and at a bare minimum of expense to Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Taxpayer!”

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer applauded Arpaio’s new program. “Inmates working in supervised jail pharmacies and filling these prescriptions is a great idea,” Brewer said. “This pharmacy work program will save the residents of Arizona millions of dollars a year. More importantly it will provide the inmates a feeling of self-worth along with providing them a great set of job skills when they are released.”

The inmate pharmacies will be located about a mile north of Arpaio’s current Tent City Jail at 2939 W. Durango Street in Phoenix. The prescriptions that the inmates will be filling for Arizona residents include everything from drugs such as Xanax to Oxycontin. Arpaio told reporters that for every ten hours a prisoner works in the pharmacy program they will receive one less day on their prison sentence. He also explained that no violent offenders or criminals with current drug charges will have the ability to work in these new inmate pharmacies. For more information you can contact the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office directly at (602) 876-1801.‎

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Governor Jan Brewer Threatens Lawsuit Against Hoax Author Who Claimed She Supports Mandatory Gay Conversion Classes For Children

Jan Brewer from Arizona speaking about her new gay to straight conversion program which will be implemented in all public school in Arizona.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer is threatening a lawsuit against the culprit behind the hoax yesterday which had the internet up in arms.

Phoenix, AZ — Governor Jan Brewer’s spokesman Andrew Wilder held a press conference this morning with reporters announcing news of a possible lawsuit against Phoenix, Arizona resident 34-year-old Paul Horner. Horner was the culprit behind yesterday’s hoax which had the internet up in arms. The satirical article stated that Brewer signed off on a bill implementing a mandatory school program designed for all Arizona children grades K-12 requiring all homosexual males and females to become straight.

Brewer’s office did not see the humor in such a stunt, and denounced the suggestion that the governor would target young people with such a discriminatory program: “It’s a completely phony and vile report, and its authors should be ashamed,” Wilder told the Arizona Republic yesterday.

“This lawsuit is real and is nothing to be taken lightly,” Wilder told CNN. “If the author of the article in question wants to avoid legal action, we are asking him to immediately remove the story from National Report and cease and desist any further foolishness of this nature against the governor.” Wilder continued, “Governor Brewer also expects a full and sincere apology, no less than 1,000 words long. This is to help compensate the harm and mayhem his ridiculous article caused the great state of Arizona and to the Governor’s Office. Mr. Horner can either post a public apology on his Super Official News website, National Report, his Facebook page located at facebook.com/paulissuperawesome or contact the governor directly at janjanbrewbrew1944@aol.com.”

These are tweets recently posted by the three parties involved in response to the fake article posted by Mr. Horner yesterday

Governor Jan Brewer tweet about Paul Horner and hoax article

People Can Change tweet about hoax article and Paul Horner

Joe Arpaio tweet about Paul Horner and hoax article about Jan Brewer

Related: Video denouncing fake story about gay student conversion program in Arizona which aired last night on Fox News, watch here.

To read Horner’s satirical article that is making such waves in the Governor’s Office and around the web, you can view it here.

Gay-To-Straight Program To Be Used In All Arizona Public School Curriculums Beginning November 1st

Jan Brewer from Arizona speaking about her new gay to straight conversion program which will be implemented in all public school in Arizona.

Governor Jan Brewer from Arizona held a press conference today to speak about her new gay-to-straight conversion program which will be implemented in all Arizona public schools beginning November 1st.

Phoenix, AZ — Beginning November 1st of this year, the state of Arizona is implementing a mandatory school program designed for all children grades K-12 to help homosexual males and women become straight. The controversial conversion therapy will be used in all of Arizona’s 2,325 public school curriculums and is already gathering a large amount of criticism as well as those who approve of the new program.

Paul Horner who is the brain child behind People Can Change spoke with Fox News about their plan to help all the gay children of Arizona. “Since 2000 ‘People Can Change’ has been helping thousands of children resolve their unwanted same-sex attractions. We bring the gay demons out of these individuals so they can become who god intended them to be. Our success and track record speaks for itself,” Horner said. “Facing the reality that you have unwanted homosexual feelings can cause tremendous turmoil – especially as a child whose feelings conflict with deeply held values, beliefs and life goals. But there is a way out. A path that leads them to resolve rather than fight their homosexual feelings. A path to authentic brotherhood and to our innate heterosexual masculinity.”

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer who signed off on the the ‘People Can Change’ program told CNN she is excited about the program. “I think this will be an amazing opportunity for gay children to finally learn who they truly are for once in their lives,” Brewer said. “Can you imagine how much more productive these ‘now-straight’ children will be not always being bullied or wondering why god made them defective? What we have done here today is monumental. I can only hope and pray that other states follow suit.”


Sheriff Joe Arpaio who runs some of the toughest jails and prisons in the country applauds Brewer’s decision. “Less gays in our jails makes for a smoother running prison system. There will be no more prancing around, along with all the other gay activities that homosexuals like to do,” Arpaio said. “More importantly, we as parents can now sleep a little better at night just knowing there will be less gays out there wandering the streets trying to molest our children. I’m excited about this and I know all Arizonans are too.”

Though not everyone from Arizona feels the same way as Brewer and Arpaio. 32-year-old Katherine Morris from Phoenix whose son Daniel is a 12-year-old homosexual said she does not agree with the program. “My son Daniel is one of the nicest boys in the world. He is the most wonderful and loving child you could ever meet in your life. There’s not a problem with him, there is a problem with this conversion therapy,” Morris said. “I urge all Arizonians to fight back before this curriculum takes effect in November. Call your congressman. Call your senator. We still have time to fix this wrong. Tell them we do not want ‘People Can Change’ in our schools! It’s not only a waste of tax payer money but it is fixing something that is not broken.”

The organization ‘People Can Change’ is located in Ruckersville, Virginia and has hundreds of gay-to-straight camps and therapy conversion facilities all around the country. They have been in operation since May of 2000. ‘People Can Change’ can be contacted at 434-985-8551 or by email at lynn@peoplecanchange.com.

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Why George Zimmerman Is Guilty And Should Be In Prison

Why George Zimmerman is guilty and should be in prison for killing Trayvon Martin - Everyone needs to stop protesting the wrong thing

Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman.

George Zimmerman disobeyed police orders. The 911 dispatcher told him not to follow Martin. Instead he’s like, “No, I got this.” … “I’m going to get out of my car in a dark alley and confront some random 6’3″ tall, 160 lb thug-looking black guy in a hoodie”…

For Zimmerman to be found not guilty on all charges is just plain stupid. The judge is stupid and the jury are f*cking r*tards. Should he be found guilty of murder? I dunno? Not really enough info based on self defense and that stand your ground law. Should he be found guilty of being a f*cking idiot? YES. Big time yes.

He should have been found guilty of manslaughter or something. Everything that happened after this f*cking moron got out of his car is irrelevant. No matter what he did or what Trayvon Martin did, it doesn’t matter. He disobeyed police orders and was a complete idiot for getting out of his car and being a vigilante.

I see a lot of black people today rioting and protesting his not guilty verdict, but based on what Zimmerman did after he got out of his car. That is F*CKING stupid. Trayvon was beating the shit out of Zimmerman. Zimmerman then had a right to defend himself according to state law, even using lethal force. That’s stupid to protest that. Trayvon was not a 80 lb innocent 12 year old. He was a 6’3″ wanna-be gangster.

This whole verdict makes me so sick, from both sides. I just read another article about black people and Jesse Jackson pissed off that Zimmerman killed Trayvon Martin and “got away with murder”. Are all these people retarded or do they only see black and white?


Zimmerman was a non racist good person who saw a 6’3″ tall black thug in a hoodie in a gated community looking suspicious. As a block captain he had every right to call the cops and report suspicious activity. And then after that, it all goes wrong. Those people should be protesting his vigilante actions and disobeying police requests to “NOT FOLLOW”. How can you protest a 6’3″ 160 lb wanna be gangster beating the shit out of Zimmerman and then Zimmerman “standing his ground” by using lethal force- which is legal but it’s a ground he should have never been at in the first place.

AND, this trial and event that took place has NOTHING to do with race. To confront some random 6’3″ tall, 160 lb black guy in a hoodie in a dark alley; you would have to be out of your f*cking mind. Same thing goes with confronting a random 6’3″ tall, 160 lb white guy in a hoodie in a dark alley… out of your go*damn mind. THEY are a ‘random’ individual. You do not know their state of mind or what weapons may be on their person.

You protest Zimmerman being a f*cking idiot. You protest Zimmerman not getting manslaughter charges or 2nd or 3rd degree murder charges. You protest that Zimmerman will still be able to be block captain, report suspicious activity, and take matters into his own hands again when specifically being told not to. How many more people will Zimmerman kill after this because he obviously doesn’t listen to the authorities. You protest that Zimmerman is allowed to leave his house and be a f*cking retard again where someone ends up dead again because of his retardedness.

Zimmerman should be in prison or on house arrest forever. He should never be allowed to own a car again. He should not be allowed to be a block captain ever. He should be punished for disobeying police; getting out of his car and starting what turned into some wanna-be-gangster getting killed… ALL OF IT completely unnecessary. It’s just not right. The judge is a r*tard and the jury are r*tards. Justice was not served and you don’t have to be a brain surgeon to understand why. It’s a simple case of “Zimmerman got out of his car and took the law into his own hands”. He needs to be punished for his actions. F*cking DUH.

What it all comes down to with the Martin / Zimmerman incident… Would Martin still be alive if Zimmerman would have stayed in his car and not follow Martin like he was ordered to by law enforcement? YES. What is the punishment that Zimmerman should receive? I don’t know. I’m not a lawyer,  judge or jury. Should he receive some kind of manslaughter punishment or 2nd or 3rd degree murder charge? OF COURSE. 100%.

~ By Paul Horner

Paul Horner is the author of every article on this website. All the articles on this site are parody or hoaxes. This article is real. I was pissed, so I said a lot of swear words. It was fun.

Do you agree with this article? Do you not agree with my take on this trial? Please leave a comment. Thanks!

Edward Snowden Safely Lands In Venezuela Where He Was Granted Asylum To Avoid U.S. Extradition

Edward Snowden safely lands in Venezuela from Cuba, originally from Moscow, after Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro offered him asylum.

Edward Snowden safely landed in Caracas, Venezuela after Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro offered him asylum.

EDIT: 8/1/13 – It turns out I received bad intel on this story. I guess he was actually just granted asylum in Russia for one year. That’s where he is and will be for the while. My bad.

Washington, DC — The Al Jazeera news agency is reporting that NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden has safely landed in Caracas, Venezuela. Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro had offered asylum to the former U.S. intelligence contractor on Friday who was believed to be waiting in transit at a Moscow airport.

Guillermo Thomas who is a spokesman for the Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela told aljazeera.com that Snowden is currently in the country and that he is thrilled to be there. “We are very blessed to have Mr. Snowden in our country, it is a pleasure,” Thomas said. “There were no direct flights across the Atlantic from Moscow to Venezuela. The only flight for Snowden to avoid U.S. extradition was to travel through Cuba. We would like to thank our friends in Cuba for making this journey possible and such a success.” Thomas continued, “Mr. Snowden is a hero and should be treated as one. We are pleased to provide this hero a home where he can live and be safe.”

Maduro announced his decision to allow asylum to Snowden during Venezuelan independence day celebrations. “As head of state, the government of the Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela decided to offer humanitarian asylum to the young American Edward Snowden so that he can come and live here, away from the persecution of American imperialism.”


Snowden’s journey began in May of this year after he was permitted temporary leave from his position at the NSA in Hawaii, on the pretext of receiving treatment for his epilepsy. On May 20th, Snowden flew to the Chinese territory of Hong Kong. This is where he was staying when the initial articles revealing information about the NSA that he had leaked were published. Among other specifics, Snowden disclosed the existence and functions of several classified U.S. surveillance programs and their scope, including notably PRISM, NSA call database and Boundless Informant. He also revealed details of Tempora, a British black-ops surveillance program run by the NSA’s British partner, GCHQ.

Snowden explained his actions to Glenn Greenwald from the Guardian about the motives behind the biggest intelligence leak in a generation. “I don’t want to live in a society that does these sort of things (surveillance on its citizens). I do not want to live in a world where everything I do and say is recorded.” Snowden further stated, “I have no intention of hiding who I am because I know I have done nothing wrong.”

Snowden told the Guardian that by revealing his identity he hoped to protect his colleagues from being subjected to a hunt in determining who had been responsible for the leaks. He also said that Lindsay Mills, his girlfriend who was living with him in Hawaii, was being a real “bummer” and this was as good an excuse as any to get away from that situation.

Lindsay Mills’ new boyfriend Paul Horner told the BBC News earlier this month that Snowden couldn’t handle commitment. “He’s just using this whole whistleblower thing as an excuse. The truth is, Lindsay is a great girl and Snowden really blew it by leaving her,” Horner said. “But she’s with me now and I’ll make sure to take real good care of her. America is here for their women in need, especially when that woman was left by a traitor to this country.”

On June 14, 2013, U.S. federal prosecutors charged Snowden with espionage and theft of government property. Snowden is believed to have asked 27 countries for asylum, most of whom had turned down his request since he outed himself as the NSA whistleblower responsible for leaking information about U.S. Government spy programs.

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I Don’t Know About You, But Times Are Changing, And I Don’t Like It One Bit, Not One Darn Bit I Tell Ya!

So the queers now have the same rights as us straight people when it comes to marriage?

What’s next, women will be allowed to vote? The Negros will have the same rights as us good, decent, hardworking white folks? I don’t know about you, but times are changing, and this reporter doesn’t like it one bit, not one darn bit I tell ya! I don’t even care if it says anything in the Bible about gay people not being allowed to get married, it’s just icky. It’s immoral and wrong!

We are a Christian nation and can make up the rules as we go along! It’s our religious freedom and we demand it! The Government needs to stop making laws based on fact and votes and other such hogwash and needs to start making their laws based on a 2,000 year old book that everyone should be forced to believe in. That is the root of the problem right there; everyone is not forced to believe what we believe. This country is going straight to Hell in a handbasket!

This is truly a sad day for all the real Americans out there and I’m mad as heck!

Hating Anything In Life Is Only Hating Yourself

Hate, intolerance, racism all can be fixedHate, intolerance and racism in this world could all be a thing of the past but it first starts with you. This is your life and you can choose to live it however you want. There is no one stopping you from living a life full of love and acceptance except yourself.

I was hanging out with this girl last night at my house who is lucky enough to have a permanent tan. She knows I write and do standup and wanted to hear some jokes. I told her a few and then warned her about the next one. “I’m going to tell it to you”, I said, “But you might find it racist or offensive.” She said, “Say it! I want to hear it!” So after a moment of thinking, I told her the joke.

“I’m so tired of people referring to things by adding color in the description. For example, ‘Hey everybody, check out my new black shoes!’ Why can’t they just say, ‘Hey everybody, check out my new shoes?’ The same goes for painting. Why do people have to say ‘black paint’? Why can’t they just say, ‘Jamal, please paint the fence’.”

She started laughing and milk actually shot out of her nose. I didn’t even have any milk in the house. She must have brought it from home, maybe in a milk flask or something.

I asked her if that joke was too racist or offensive. She kind of blew my mind with her answer and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. She said, “The people that find that joke racist, are racist. It’s something deep down, almost subconscious. It’s something that they don’t like about themselves. So instead of fixing their problem they take their anger and frustrations out on someone else.”

Nevermind album cover by the band Nirvana

The controversial ‘Nevermind’ album cover by the band Nirvana released on September 24, 1991.

Think about most of the Republicans out there like Rick Santorum for example. He hides his hate and homophobia behind a 2,000-year-old book. That guy thinks about gay sex more than gay people think about gay sex.

As a person in office that represents the gay hate machine, Santorum will never publicly come out of the closet, but I guarantee that sooner or later a scandal will emerge about him being with another man. It’s only a matter of time.

Kurt Cobain said it best about the cover of his 1991 album Nevermind:

“If you’re offended by this, you must be a closet pedophile.”

Indian Woman Stoned To Death For Sending Husband Too Many Facebook Game Requests

The Punjab Haryana High Court in India where a woman was stoned to death for disobeying her husband

The Punjab Haryana High Court in India where a woman was stoned to death today for disobeying her husband.

Punjab, INDIA — 32-year-old Indira Mahajan was stoned to death today after being found guilty by the Haryana High court of Punjab, India. Her husband, 51-year-old Bijan Kumar Mahajan said he is thrilled with the ruling and says the court’s decision brings much happiness to his friends and family.

Justice Paramjeet Singh Dhaliwal heard Mr. Mahajan’s thirty minute long testimony and immediately found the woman guilty. “I heard Mr. Mahajan’s story and it was obvious that this woman needed to pay for her crimes. She shamed her husband, her family and her entire village. Justice was definitely served today.”

During the trial Mr. Mahajan explained to Justice Dhaliwal the reason that he wanted his wife of 21-years dead. “She kept sending me Facebook game requests for a stupid game called Candy Crush Saga. I told her numerous times to stop sending me these game requests but she never listened,” Mahajan said. “She knows I don’t like candy. One time I played Candy Crush Saga and I hated it. It has candy jewels that mock you if you make a mistake. Those jewels showed much disrespect for my family. I wanted to candy crush their souls.” Mr. Mahajan continued, “I did everything I could do to have her stop sending me requests to play the game. I yelled at her, I beat her, I raped her, I let my brother rape her, I let the neighbors rape her, I let the village rape her and still she kept sending me these game requests.”


34-year-old year old Erich Sean from England who is in Punjab on business was at the trial when the guilty verdict came in. “That poor, poor girl. What is wrong with these people? I have to get the fu*k out of this backwards country tonight!”

At a press conference in New York, Paul Horner who is the the president of ‘People against Games on Facebook’ (PGF) explained to reporters about the dangers of sending Facebook game requests to friends and family members. “This is just one of the many problems that can arise when people send game requests on Facebook. Your annoying friend on Facebook gets the brilliant idea that you might want to stop what you are doing and help them build a cartoon barn or plant a field of carrots,” Horner told CNN. “So they send you a game request and then you have to log in to Facebook to see what your friend sent. You then see it is something you could absolutely care less about, you get mad and then you want to kill them. Eventually the tragic event that took place in Punjab today is going to happen somewhere else. It’s only a matter of time.”

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WANT TO HELP THE WOMEN IN INDIA? THEN DO SOMETHING!

Giveindia.org gives 90%-95% of the money that you donate directly to the cause of helping women in India. This money provides them with proper education, shelter, food, help in getting out of abusive relationships, rape counseling and much more!

Click here to donate!

rapes in India

UPDATE 11/7/13: Woman of India, it’s your fault.

UPDATE 10/8/13:
View India’a Response Here

UPDATE 10/9/13:
India Ends Diplomatic Relations With The U.S. Over Satirical Article

UPDATE 11/13/13:
Top India police official says, “If you can’t prevent rape, you enjoy it.”