The Ass Press
Posted: 09/18/2012 6:00:11 PM PDT
Washington, D.C. — A video surfaced the other day from a private fund-raising event that was held for Mitt Romney in May of this year. The tape shows Romney describing almost half of Americans as “dependent upon government”. He said the 47% of voters who didn’t pay taxes last year will support President Obama because they believe they are “entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it”. In one segment, Romney described how his campaign is writing off “47% of the people” who will vote for Mr. Obama “no matter what.” He says they “are people who pay no income tax” and also explains “so our message of low taxes doesn’t connect”. Most people would believe these words said by Romney would infuriate the 47% of freeloaders that Romney is referring to, but in fact it has done the complete opposite. Romney has inspired people in America not to be losers anymore.
Brian Morris is a US Soldier that returned home from Iraq in February of last year after losing both of his legs. He says he can’t work now but believes Romney’s statements are life changing for him. “I haven’t been able to get a job and I’ve had to rely on my un-taxed VA benefits to survive. I’m part of the 47% of the losers in this country,” Morris said. “So I’ve been saving up my money the best I can and I’m going to buy those same type of legs that Captain Dan had in Forest Gump. They will be my magic legs in returning to work so I can prove to Mitt Romney that I’m not a loser anymore.”
Dale Jenkins from Dequincy, Louisiana said he had a revelation after he heard what Romney said. “I was just sitting there drinking a forty of King Cobra, thinking about whether to beat my wife now or go down to the bar first and then beat my wife later. At this exact moment my friend Lenny Gene Harris from down the road called me up and told me that Mitt Romney thinks we’re losers. Well, that truly inspired me. I decided right then and there that I was going to go back to school, get my GED and then I’m gonna become an astronaut.”
Dean Huls is one of ‘Romney’s losers’ but said he is trying his best to change his ways. Huls said he also supports Romney’s plan to make porn illegal. “I used to love porn. I would watch porn all day long. I didn’t have a job, I collected welfare and I paid no taxes. I was a loser.” Huls continued, “But things are different now thanks to Mr. Romney. Instead of rubbing one out, I rub the carpet in the living room for stains. Now instead of beating my meat, I got a job at a deli and beat the meat there. I get so many more activities done now since I don’t look at porn all day long. Though I’m a little edgier and don’t sleep more than 30 minutes a night, but it gives me plenty of time to work on not being a loser. One day soon, I just know it, Mr. Romney will come to my house and knock on my door. He’ll say, ‘Congratulations Dean, you’re not a loser anymore. Welcome to the club, big guy. Now you’re baller status’. That will be the happiest day of my life.”
Romney campaign promoter Mike Sanders said they’re coming out with a whole new line of t-shirts and other merchandise so you can support Romney’s cause. “We have some really great shirts now with a lot of extremely inspirational sayings. My favorite ones so far are, Every time you masturbate, Mitt Romney sheds a tear and Get a job and stop jerking off, you f*cking loser.” Sanders continued, “I think it was Mitt Romney who said it best, Cash rules everything around me, C.R.E.A.M. get the money, dollar, dollar bill y’all.”
Multimillionaire Paul Horner said he’s confused if he’s a loser or not. “I’m part of Mitt Romney’s 47% of losers. I paid zero taxes last year, but I wasn’t alone. Over 7,000 other millionaires in America paid zero taxes in 2011. About 55,000 millionaires paid a lower tax rate than millions of middle-income Americans last year and I’m pretty sure that includes Mitt Romney himself. Is Mitt Romney calling himself a loser?” Horner continued, “Maybe Mitt Romney could be a little more specific and clarify who the real losers in America exactly are. The last thing I want is Mitt Romney thinking that I’m a loser.”
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