Archives for March 2013

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin & SMN Banned In California

Evergreen Elementary School in Los Angeles

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin speaking to students at Evergreen Elementary School in Los Angeles.

This morning California lawmakers voted in favor of permanently banning the organization known as STOP Masturbating NOW (SMN). This means that the organization, their current employees and even their mascot who goes by the name of Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin can no longer ‘legally’ enter the state or promote their message there again.

Nancy Pelosi who represents California’s 12th congressional district told reporters the ban was an obvious decision that needed to happen immediately. “Their organization’s mascot, Fappy®, was going around different elementary schools in the state spreading complete and utter lies. While he was here in San Francisco this month he collected thousands of signatures from children as young as 5-years-old promising to never masturbate,” Pelosi said. “Dave Myers who is a spokesman for their organization was going on different radio shows presenting ridiculous lies as fact. He claimed that while Fappy® was in San Francisco he single-handily lowered the amount of “masturbators” and “the gays” by over 80%. The judgement that was passed down today was a no-brainer.”

Officer Erich Sean with the The San Francisco Police Department said he was amazed with the amount of problems the organization caused in such a short period of time. “Just a week ago their mascot, Paul Horner, was arrested in Portland for public masturbation. While in San Francisco he was walking around the city, harassing citizens and scaring the children,” Sean said. “This group is hypocritical and just a huge scam masquerading as some sort of public service. They are just pure evil and I’m glad we won’t ever be seeing them again.”

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation in affiliation with SMN told reporters they plan to repeal the ban. “This ruling won’t hold up and we’ll be back in California again soon, I can promise you that,” Myers said. “We are a Federally Funded Organization. The state might ban us, but federal laws always trump state law, so there’s your answer right there. Those California senators that voted in favor of this ban can go f*ck themselves.”

Mitch Hedberg with the San Francisco Examiner explained in his article this morning that he approves of the ban. “I used to masturbate. I still do, but I used to, too.”

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. For a complete list of dates and locations of this nationwide tour, click here. For more information or if you would like your school to participate, please call the 24-hour Anti-Masturbation Tour Hotline at (785) 273-0325.

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Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin needs your help and support in ending masturbation! Get your very own Fappy® merchandise here!

Hilarious Ideas For Pranking People On April Fool’s Day

Ideas for pranks on April Fool's Day

Fun ideas for pranking people on April Fool’s Day.

It is getting close to April Fool’s Day, the best day of the year. Here is some fun ideas to make your ‘prank day’ the best day it can possibly be!

1. If you are a guy, put a banana in your pants and see if anyone notices. If you are a girl, put balloons in your bra. People will definitely do a double take!

2. Dump an entire tube of glitter into the shampoo of the person you are living with. Watch the surprised look on their face when their body is covered head to toe with glitter.


3. If you work in an office, cover the sensor on everyone’s optical mouse with tape. Then change everyone’s background to rotate through images with one of them being porn. Then on everyone’s computer change the Windows startup sound to a 5 hour long mix that you have created. Include groaning, whispers, crying, cricket noises, anything you can think of. Get creative! Just make sure in between the sounds leave 10-20 minutes of silence to really freak them out. Then set fire to the building leaving no evidence behind. Make sure to frame your as*hole co-worker Paul Horner, or whatever his or her name may be. Nothing is funnier than someone serving 10-15 years in prison for a crime they did not commit!

4. Build a meth lab. Use your crystal meth that you make to sell to children at elementary schools and various parks. Get women in your neighborhood addicted to the drug and then whore them out for money. It will be a prank that will ensure fun and excitement year round!

5. If you are a female and give birth to a child of a different skin color, tell your husband that it was immaculate conception. Your husband will be so proud that you are bringing into this world the second coming of Jesus Christ. Also as a side note, it’s important to point out that this event was the first recorded ‘cheating wife excuse story’ in history, that just got way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, waaaaaaay out of hand.

Anyway, good luck, stay safe and have fun!

Fun fact: I actually did standup comedy of what you just read. Enjoy!

… or don’t, whatever. I’m the one with the sweet website and you’re just sitting behind your desk masturbating.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin Arrested For Public Masturbation

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here speaking to children about the dangers and consequences of masturbation.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here on March 15th at Evergreen Elementary School in Los Angeles, California.

Portland, OR — In an ironic twist of a fate, a mascot for a federally funded 31-city nationwide school tour focusing on educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of masturbation was arrested yesterday in Portland, Oregon for masturbating in public.

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now spoke to reporters about the future of the tour after this recent setback. “Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy® has helped thousands of adults and children live a masturbation-free lifestyle. Fappy® also collected thousands of signatures from children promising to never masturbate; he did great things,” Childs said. “It’s a shame how the media is portraying Fappy® right now. All the good that he’s done, all the lives he’s saved, all ruined by some ‘alleged’ public masturbation charge. I ask each and every one of you to keep Fappy® in your prayers until this nonsense is resolved.” Childs continued, “Until he is bonded out, Rubit® The Anti-Masturbation Rabbit will temporarily be taking his place on the school tour until we can get this mess sorted out. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.”

Fappy®, whose real identity is 34-year-old Arizona resident Paul Horner, told CNN by phone that he plans to make the most of his imprisonment. “I want to apologize to all my amazing fans out there, I love you all,” Horner said. “I will make the most of this bad situation. Jail is just a hotbed for self-rape and immoral acts. I plan to do everything in my power to stop the masturbation currently happening in this jail.” Horner continued, “Satan’s wicked ways came over me in a moment of weakness and I’m now paying dearly for it. At this jail though, it seems everyone here is having moments of weakness at least four or five times a day. God willing I’ll be able to put an end to all of that debauchery once and for all.”

“Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape,” Childs told reporters. “It leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease. This nationwide tour is designed to help make children and parents aware of the dangers of masturbation in and outside of the home. If your arms are long enough to touch your private areas, you are a possible suspect in raping yourself.” Childs continued, “With the help of god and people like Horner, one day masturbation will finally be illegal.”

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. For a complete list of dates and locations of this nationwide tour, click here. For more information or if you would like your school to participate, please call the 24-hour Anti-Masturbation Tour Hotline at (785) 273-0325.

Horner is being held at the Multnomah County Jail awaiting his bond hearing. He is currently charged with public masturbation, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and sexual exploitation of a child.

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Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin needs your help and support in ending masturbation! Get your very own Fappy® merchandise here!

Director Of Kony 2012 Announces Plans For Anti-Masturbation Documentary

Jason Russell and his new anti-masturbation documentary

Jason Russell speaking to reporters today about his new anti-masturbation documentary.

San Diego, CA — Jason Russell who was the director of the Kony 2012 Youtube video that went viral one year ago today made waves again as he announced to reporters his future plans for a documentary about living a masturbation-free lifestyle. What makes this announcement so shocking is that also one year ago today Russell was detained by San Diego police for public masturbation. He was found in a state of undress and screaming incoherently.

Russell explained to reporters what made him decide to do this new documentary. “It’s been one full year now since the Kony video and the incident that happened in San Diego. I think I’m ready to face my problems and move forward from here,” Russell said. “This new documentary of mine is about leading a healthy, masturbation-free lifestyle.” Russell continued, “My inspiration for this project actually came from a children’s mascot who advocates living a life free of masturbation. I don’t think this project would have been possible without the help of my good friend Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin. Together, god willing, we can finally put an end to this horrible disease called masturbation.”

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin who recently kicked off a 31-city nationwide school tour on March 6th just happened to be in San Diego today talking with various schools in the area about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. “Masturbation is the devil’s playground,” Fappy® told reporters. “By getting to the children when they’re young and before they’ve had a chance to rape themselves, that’s when you can truly make a difference. Fappy® and friends are just thrilled to be helping Jason with his new documentary and look forward to it’s completion.”

Russell’s anti-masturbation documentary will begin filming next month and will be released to schools nationwide sometime next year. His Kony 2012 video received more than 83 million views on YouTube in the first two weeks of its online release. It quickly became the subject of intensive media scrutiny and criticism. The video’s subject matter was about the Ugandan rebel leader Joseph Kony, his alleged war crimes, and the movement to bring him to the International Criminal Court.

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9Gag Suing Reddit For 50 Million Dollars

9Gag Suing Reddit For 50 Million Dollars - The 4chan battle vs 9GagSilicon Valley, CA — The humor website 9Gag.com is suing Reddit.com for libel and damages in the amount of $50,000,000. That’s a five with seven zeros attached to it.

Joyce Barth, Esq., 9Gag’s head attorney says the lawsuit is definitely winnable. “The Reddit community has been attempting to destroy 9Gag since it first launched about four years ago. Reddit will use DDoS attacks on the 9Gag web server attempting to make the site crash and unviewable to it’s users. Other members of Reddit will setup fake accounts and then post images of gore, porn, and other disgusting material. They will raid the website with images of underage pornography and then their members will upvote these images to the top so it can be seen by anyone who visits the site. The owners and moderators of Reddit do nothing to stop this illegal activity. It’s just truly sickening.”

Christopher Poole or “Moot” as he is known on 4chan.org, another type of image sharing website, says he’s disappointed at Reddit’s behavior. “It really disgusts me what Reddit is doing to 9Gag. They just need to stop this already. The internet is supposed to be a fun place where everyone is accepted. It’s not funny what the Reddit community is doing, it’s just not very nice at all.”

Long time 9Gag user Jay B Fail says he just loves using the site but says Reddit is ruining his web experience. “I go to 9Gag and will post a super funny picture of my cat with a chef’s hat on. I put text on the image with something hilarious like, I can haz catnip,” Jay says while laughing. But soon Jay’s laughter turns into tears. “After posting my funny cat picture, suddenly Reddit members are on there calling me a fa*got. They say rude and inappropriate things about my mom and tell me to show my tits or get the f*ck out. I don’t even have tits and neither does Blaine Anderson, my cat,” Jay sobs.

The owner of 9Gag, Paul Horner, said he thinks Reddit is just jealous of 9Gag’s success. “It’s a well known fact that 95% of all Memes and funny images on the internet originate from 9Gag. Reddit doesn’t like this so they try and tear down our website with their childish little shenanigans. Maybe this $50 million lawsuit will shut them up,” Horner laughs.

Initial court proceedings of the lawsuit begin July 10th at the Jonestown Courthouse in San Diego. The owner of Reddit could not be reached for comment.

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin Kicks Off Nationwide School Tour

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here speaking to children about the dangers of masturbation.

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here speaking to children about the dangers and consequences of masturbation.

New York, NY — Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and STOP Masturbation NOW are proud to announce a 31-city nationwide school tour focusing on educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of masturbation.

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now said he is excited about the tour. “Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin kicked off his nationwide school tour at Pansy Kidd Middle School in Poteau, Oklahoma with a bang. While there, Fappy® answered questions and spoke to students about the dangers of masturbation.”

“The kids just love him,” said 64-year old Paul Horner who is a teacher at Pansy Kidd Middle School. “Fappy® makes the kids laugh and educates them at the same time. He also is quite the tickle monster and the children just love wrestling with him. We can’t wait for Fappy® to come back next year!”

“Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape,” Childs told reporters. “It leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease. This nationwide tour is designed to help make children and parents aware of the dangers of masturbation in and outside of the home. If your arms are long enough to touch your private areas, you are a possible suspect in raping yourself.” Childs continued, “God willing, one day masturbation will be illegal.”

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach children and adults about the dangers of masturbation. For a complete list of dates and locations of this tour, click here. For more information or if you would like Fappy® to visit your child’s school please call the 24-hour Fappy® Nationwide School Tour Hotline.

  • Fappy® Nationwide School Tour Hotline: (785) 273-0325

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Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin needs your help and support in ending masturbation! Get your very own Fappy® merchandise here!

Michelle Obama To Play Wife Of Lando Calrissian In Star Wars: Episode VII

Michelle Obama will play the wife of Lando Calrissian in the upcoming Star Wars: Episode VII

Michelle Obama will play the wife of Lando Calrissian in the upcoming Star Wars: Episode VII

Hollywood, CA — Disney held a press conference today to announce exciting Star Wars news confirming that none other than Michelle Obama will play a role in Episode VII of the upcoming Star Wars sequel trilogy. Disney says the First Lady will be playing the wife of Cloud City administrator and general in the Rebel Alliance, Lando Calrissian.

Paul Horner who is a spokesman for Disney talked briefly with reporters to explain Mrs. Obama’s role in the upcoming Star Wars movie. “We are excited to have Michelle Obama on board with this project. She will make a great addition to the movie,” Horner said. “The First Lady’s character will have a few scenes of dialogue. We will also see her interact with Lando Calrissian and the other members of the Rebel Alliance. She might even carry a lightsaber, though we’ll probably have to wait and see what her real husband’s gun control policy on lightsabers are first.” Horner laughs, “But seriously, we’re just delighted to have her on the team.”

Though not everyone is as excited as Disney to have Mrs. Obama playing a role in the film. “It’s absolutely ridiculous,” said Marvin Harris, a film critic with the New York Times. “This is just a ploy to sell more tickets and in the end it will upstage the current actors. Disney will be wishing they never made this mistake.”


Being in front of an audience is nothing new for the First Lady. She made her acting debut on Nickelodeon’s hit kid show, iCarly and was recently seen at the Oscars presenting the award for best picture to Argo.

Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford have already agreed to return as Princess Leia and Han Solo for Episode VII. Star Wars: Episode VII is an upcoming movie from Lucasfilm Ltd. scheduled to be released by Walt Disney Pictures sometime during the summer of 2015.

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