NBC Explains Tape Delay And Censorship Of The Olympics

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/31/2012 6:00:11 AM PDT

NBC tape delay and censorship of the Olympic games in LondonLondon, UK — NBC has been getting heavily criticized recently for their tape delay and censorship of the 2012 Summer Olympic games being held in London, England. Paul Horner who is a television executive at NBC covering the Olympics spoke with reporters in London today to explain what really happens during these tape delays and censorship of the games.

“NBC has been in business for over 86 years,” Horner said. “NBC knows what the American people like to watch and what they are mentally unable to handle. We make sure to edit all of our footage so it’s friendly and pleasant for everyone. It’s our way of coming into your living room every night and saying, hello and how are you this evening?”

Brandon Adams from Dequincy, Louisiana says he doesn’t mind the tape delay or censorship by NBC of the games. “I didn’t even know the Olympics were going on till the other night. Me and my old lady had just got in a fight so I was at home drinking a few beers and channel surfing. Suddenly I turn to NBC and I see this half naked girly jumping around in a bikini. So I called up my good friend Charles Ray in Jackson County to tell him about this girl on TV. He then told me that was the Olympics and I was like whaaaat!?!”

Horner went on to explain the different options to watch the games and the costs associated with each one. “There’s a ‘live feed’, and then there’s a ‘live-live feed’. The live feed is free. The live-live feed costs $100 because it’s a more expensive technology involving quantum physics and some forms of time travel.” Horner continued, “If someone were to spend $100 so that they can watch the games ‘live-live’ and unedited they can, and no one is stopping them from doing that. But how much more fun is it to have a multinational corporation like NBC make your decisions for you about what you like and what you don’t like and when you are allowed to watch what you want to watch? Our censoring and tape delays have nothing to do with trying to get you to pay the $100 fee, it’s only about love. At NBC, we love you.”

Critics are quick to point out how the tape delay is unfair and completely unnecessary. “The Summer Olympics are one of the most important sporting events known to man,” says Jay B Fail a reporter with The New York Times. “These actions by NBC are just pure greed, plain and simple.”

Horner finished the press conference by explaining one of the main reasons for the tape delay. “Here at NBC we take the airing of the Olympics extremely serious. After our cameras record that days events in London, the tape is then hand delivered to another NBC executive 10 miles away in Watford. From there the tape is passed on to the town of Luton. In Luton the tape is given to a runner in Northhampton where they will then make the final 50 mile trek to an NBC broadcasting station in Leicester. There the tape is carefully viewed for authenticity by specialists, edited for happiness and then aired live to Americans for their viewing entertainment. This also gives most Americans enough time to fly home and watch what they saw at the Olympics in London live on television in the comfort of their own home.”

Confirmed: Bill Murray’s Agent Will Be Attending Party In Phoenix On August 1st

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/27/2012 6:09:14 AM PDT

Bill Murray's agent Paul Horner will be attending a party in Phoenix Arizona on August 1stPhoenix, AZ — According to Death and Taxes, Bill Murray will be embarking on a 29 city Party Crashing Tour that begins in Phoenix on August 1st and ends in Austin on September 10th. Recent news has just been announced confirming that Bill Murray’s agent Paul Horner will be attending at least one party in Phoenix on the 1st. Also said to be attending is Bill Murray’s press agent, Lori Dynneson. It’s still unclear whether Murray himself will be attending or not.

On July 9th when the party crashing tour was announced, Horner explained some of the conditions of the tour to reporters. “All we ask is that if Mr. Murray does decide to crash your party, please give him his space. He’s a human being, just like you and me. He’s just looking for a good time and a fun way to connect with fans.” Horner then went on to explain more details about the tour, “At these parties, Mr. Murray does not want to be called ‘Bill Murray’ but instead wants to be referred to as ‘Keyser Söze’. Activities that Mr. Murray enjoys are drinking and karaoke. Having those two things at your party will definitely increase your chances of him making an appearance. Also it is extremely important that any house or location interested in participating have a sheet or banner of some kind attached to their establishment the night of the party. It must say in big bold letters, ‘BILL MURRAY CAN CRASH HERE’. This will let Mr. Murray know at what locations he is welcome.”

Information about the event that Murray’s agent and press agent will be attending is located here and here. Listed below are just a few of the details about the party.

Location:

Things to expect:

  • Guests in strange Bill Murray attire
  • THE Bill Murray Pleasuredome
  • Caddyshack Mini Golf Course
  • Bill Murray trivia games from Aaron Johnson and Billie Speece

Posted time of events:

  • 7pm The Life Aquatic (squirt gun and water balloon fight) all over 5th Street
  • 8pm-10pm “Lost in Translation” Karaoke from Bill Murray movies and SNL & SCTV sketches, hosted by Sean Whitcomb and the Mobile Karaoke Unit
  • 9pm Former Friends of Young Americans and Of the Earth at Lost Leaf
  • 10pm Provocatease Ghostbusters Burlesque
  • 11pm Slackers Agenda with Ryan Avery and Andrew Jemsek at Jobot
  • 10:20pm Nick Villa and Friends
  • 11:20pm Bill Murray Haiku Contest at Jobot Coffee Shop
  • 7pm-2am Alcohol at Lost Leaf

[Updated at 07-31-12 | 12:06 PM PDT] The Arizona Ghostbusters will be attending this Bill Murray party in Phoenix! They will be raising money for diabetes charity programs! More info about the Arizona Ghostbusters here.

The Ghostbusters

[Updated at 08-2-12 | 4:28 PM PDT] Pictures from the Bill Murray party last night in Phoenix. Bill Murray made an appearance for about 15 minutes or so before he had to leave.
Bill Murray shows up in Phoenix at Party Crashing Tour

Stay Puft Marshmallow girl

To read the full story about Bill Murray showing up in Phoenix, click here.

For a complete list of dates and locations of this tour, click here. For more information please call the 24 hour Bill Murray Party Crashing Tour Hotline.

  • Bill Murray Party Crashing Tour Hotline: (785) 273-0325

Bill Murray will crash at your house

RELATED NEWS

> Bill Murray Announces Party Crashing Tour

Bill Murray Signs On For Ghostbusters 3

Bill Murray Shows Up In Phoenix: Kicks Off Party Crashing Tour With A Bang

Mitt Romney To Legalize Marijuana And Gay Marriage, Once In Office

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/26/2012 6:00:49 AM PDT

Mitt Romney hates gay rights and marijuanaWashington, DC. — Marijuana users and advocates for gay marriage around the country are celebrating after Mitt Romney once again pledged his hatred for marijuana and gay rights at a press conference this afternoon. In an era of ‘say one thing to get elected and then do the complete opposite once in office’, judging from the current promises made by Romney on the campaign trail, marijuana and gay marriage will be 100% legal in all 50 states if he does get elected.

This winning strategy reminds voters of Obama back in 2008 when he vowed to be extremely lenient on marijuana laws and let the states decide the legal status of the plant. Since then voters have learned that he has become by far the strictest president in over 20+ years on marijuana laws. He has dispatched the DEA into every state that has legalized the plant, raiding houses and dispensaries, and put thousands of people in prison.

Avid marijuana user Paul Horner said he’s delighted to hear of Mitt Romney’s tough stance on marijuana. “I sure hope he gets elected. With how much he’s been talking about marijuana like it’s a bath salt zombie apocalypse, I know he’ll make legalizing it the first item on his agenda if elected president. My fellow potheads and I are voting for him for sure!”

Eric Burns who is an editor for the New York Times says that besides Romney legalizing marijuana and gay marriage once in office, he’ll be doing a lot more too. “This also means Romney will end the War in Afghanistan on his first day in office. It’s tough to say now, but it appears Romney is the candidate to vote for in 2012.”

Dean Huls is a political adviser for Mitt Romney and approves of him using the ‘Obama strategy’ to get elected. “Obama was a learning experience for a lot of us,” Huls said. “Everything Obama promised while running for President in 2008 he has gone ahead and done the complete opposite. He guaranteed to stop the wars, he then continued the wars. He said he would lock up the bad guys on Wall Street, he then bailed out all the bad guys on Wall Street. He talked about being lenient on marijuana laws, then made it a priority to lock up marijuana users. Obama promised the idea of more personal freedoms but then signed NDAA which allows the government to indefinitely detain American citizens with no trial or jury. He said he would close Guantanamo Bay, kept Guantanamo Bay open. The list goes on and on and on.” Huls continued, “Mitt Romney is using the ‘Obama strategy’ to get into the White House and it might just be crazy enough to work. Unfortunately for him though, Obama will also be using the ‘Obama strategy’. I think it’s safe to say this race is far from over.”

Joe Paterno Statue Sold At Private Auction

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/23/2012 6:00:16 AM PDT

Joe Paterno statue sold in private auction to Kim Jong-unUniversity Park, PA — In a controversial move that is enraging college football fans around the country, the recently removed Joe Paterno statue has been sold early this morning at a private auction. The winning bidder is said to be none other than Kim Jong-un, the supreme leader of North Korea, who won the auction with a final bid of $300.01 USD.

Officials from Penn State tore down the famous statue due to the controversy surrounding Paterno’s alleged actions in his role of covering up the Jerry Sandusky sex abuse scandal. The University told reporters the statue had to be removed because of complaints it was receiving and also in an attempt to prevent the NCAA from banning it’s football program.

Long time Penn State fan Jay B Fail said he was angry at the universities decision in making this a private auction not available to the public. “I’m shocked they didn’t let the public bid on this amazing piece of history. I heard the dictator Kim Jong-un ended up winning this thing with a bid of only $300. I would have paid at least $350, maybe even $400. I’d love to have a Joe Paterno statue in my backyard right next to my bird bath.”

About fifty members of NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Love Association), including their president Paul Horner, were on hand Sunday protesting the removal of the statue. “I can’t believe they took the Joe Paterno statue down. They should have just turned it so it looked the other way,” Horner said. “This is a sad day for grown men everywhere around the world who love having lots and lots of sex with really young boys.”

Kim Jong-un told reporters that he was extremely pleased to be the winning bidder in the auction. “This statue is now by far my favorite coat rack for my fancy parties.”

The Joe Paterno statue was unveiled on the campus of Penn State University on November 2nd, 2001. The statue is bronze, 7 feet tall, and weighs over 900 pounds. Because of embargo restrictions with the U.S. the statue had to be Sandusky’d into North Korea piece by piece.

69 Dead In Apparent Mass Joke Suicide

paul horner jonestown joke suicideJonestown, AZ — Reports are just coming in of an apparent mass joke suicide in Jonestown, Arizona. The cult’s members, Room for Improv-ment – whose name comes from an episode of Family Guy, appear to have died early this morning from a deadly joke overdose.

The FBI negotiated with cult leader Paul Horner for days pleading with him not to tell the joke, but by the time they finally raided the compound in Jonestown it was too late. The joke had already been told and all 69 members of the cult, including Horner, were dead.

The FBI is not releasing details of the joke at this time, fearing for the public’s safety, but have confirmed it’s some sort of knock knock joke. A spokesman for the FBI said everyone at the compound apparently died of laughter.

One person is still missing that was not effected by the joke. The FBI believes this person did not find the joke to be that funny. At this time it’s feared the person knows complete details of the joke and since laughter is contagious, they could spread it at any time.

James Kidwell of the FBI says he wants to learn details of the joke for a possible career change as a stand-up comedian. “Being an FBI agent is fun,” says Kidwell. “But how cool would it be to be a standup comic with a joke so powerful it kills your entire audience? Maybe I’m just thinking out loud. On second thought I’ll probably just stick to being an FBI agent for now.”

[Breaking News at 09-17-12 | 5:58 PM PDT] Some sort of ‘Death-Ray’ has been taking the lives of animals all around the world. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the pet’s family members and their owners. More information will be posted as it becomes available.

Bill Murray Announces Party Crashing Tour

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/9/2012 6:00:14 PM PDT

Bill Murray party crashing tourNew York, NY — Known to crash parties all over the New York City area, Bill Murray will soon be giving the rest of the country the same treatment. It’s unclear the exact parties that he will be attending, but if you live in any of the cities that he plans to crash, Bill Murray might just be partying with you.

Mr. Murray did not speak to reporters but did have his agent Paul Horner answer some of their questions and make a few statements. “Mr. Murray is looking to take a vacation around the United States. He’s hoping that if he shows up to your party with a bottle of wine or vegetable tray, you will be able to make the proper accommodations for him. This includes allowing him to sleep on your couch or in a spare bedroom, both of those options being completely acceptable.”

“Oh heck yeah Bill Murray can party with us,” said 30-year-old Dean Huls, a long-time fan of Bill Murray. “If he crashes our party he can sleep in our room that night and I’ll sleep with my wife on the couch that folds out in the living room. Or Bill Murray can sleep with my wife, it’s all good, just as long as he comes to my party.”

Horner continued to explain some of the conditions of the tour to reporters. “All we ask is that if Mr. Murray does decide to crash your party, please give him his space. He’s a human being, just like you and me. He’s just looking for a good time and a fun way to connect with fans.” Horner then went on to explain more details about the tour, “At these parties, Mr. Murray does not want to be called ‘Bill Murray’ but instead wants to be referred to as ‘Keyser Söze’. Activities that Mr. Murray enjoys are drinking and karaoke. Having those two things at your party will definitely increase your chances of him making an appearance. Also it is extremely important that any house or location interested in participating have a sheet or banner of some kind attached to their establishment the night of the party. It must say in big bold letters, ‘BILL MURRAY CAN CRASH HERE’. This will let Mr. Murray know at what locations he is welcome.”

The Bill Murray Party Crashing Tour will kick off August 1st in Phoenix, Arizona and will end September 10th in Austin, Texas. For a complete list of dates and locations of this tour, click here. For more information please call the 24 hour Bill Murray Party Crashing Tour Hotline.

  • Bill Murray Party Crashing Tour Hotline: (785) 273-0325

[Updated at 07-10-12 | 9:16 AM PDT] Cities around the country have already started displaying their “BILL MURRAY CAN CRASH HERE” signs. This one is from Washington DC. Bill Murray will be in Maryland on August 26th to crash parties.
Bill Murray Party Crashing Tour signs

[Updated at 07-10-12 | 10:23 AM PDT] Phoenix homes are beginning to prepare for Bill Murray’s Party Crashing Tour that kicks off in their city on August 1st.
Bill Murray Party Crashing Tour signs

[Updated at 07-10-12 | 7:41 PM PDT] Anticipation in Phoenix is growing as homeowners are eager to show their support in hoping Bill Murray picks their party to crash when he kicks off his tour there on August 1st.
Bill Murray Party Crashing Tour signs

[Updated at 07-11-12 | 7:48 PM PDT] This upcoming Bill Murray tour has taken on a life of it’s own. Parties are popping up all around the country, people gathering together, to show their love for Bill Murray… how cool is that?
Bill Murray can crash here signs

[Updated at 07-12-12 | 5:18 PM PDT]
Some people in certain cities are reporting this tour as a hoax. I think that’s just because they are worried about all the extra alcohol and karaoke machines that will need to be made available, plus the additional police that might be required. This is all a small price to pay when you’re looking at the possibility of partying with Bill, f*cking, Murray.

This Bill Murray tour will happen, or worst case scenario… a bunch of people get together in different cities around the country, get drunk, sing karaoke and show their love for a living legend.

Bill Murray Party in Phoenix
Phoenix

How Vegas does a Bill Murray Party Crashing Tour sign
Las Vegas

Bill Murray party in Chicago

Bill Murray can crash here sign for Chicago
Chicago

Bill Murray Party Crashing Tour at The Alibi Tiki Lounge in Portland
Portland

Shirts for the Bill Murray party crashing tour of 2012
Bill Murray Party Crashing Tour t-shirt

Bill Murray crashing parties in Philadelphia
Philadelphia

Bill Murray Party Crashing Tour sign from Milwaukee Wisconsin
Milwaukee


VIDEO: They want Bill Murray to crash their party in Seattle.

[Updated at 07-14-12 | 4:27 PM PDT]
If you’re a fan of the ‘Bill Murray Party Crashing Tour’, take a second and support something that Bill Murray supports. It’s the least you could do.
Murray Murray supports this charity

[Updated at 07-16-12 | 5:10 PM PDT]
After overwhelming demand, the cities of Atlanta and New Orleans have been added to the Bill Murray Party Crashing Tour! Click here for updated tour dates and locations.
Atlanta and New Orleans have been added to the Bill Murray Party Crashing Tour

[Updated at 07-19-12 | 6:15 PM PDT]
I keep hearing stories about Bill Murray going up to random people in restaurants, eating some of their food and then before he leaves will say, “No one is ever going to believe you”. Either a lot of people are lying, or Bill Murray hasn’t paid for food in the last decade or so.

[Updated at 07-27-12 | 1:55 AM PDT] Bill Murray’s agent and press agent will be attending at least one party in Phoenix on August 1st when the Party Crashing Tour begins.

[Updated at 08-3-12 | 10:38 PM PDT] Bill Murray and the Ghostbusters show up in Phoenix, kick off the party crashing tour with a bang.
Bill Murray partying in Phoenix, Arizona

[Updated at 08-12-12 | 10:38 AM PDT] Bill Murray arrives in Seattle today ready to crash parties with residents there tonight.
Bill Murray partying in Seattle

[Updated at 08-13-12 | 7:38 PM PDT] Bill Murray will be partying in Minneapolis Tuesday night. Here is one of the Bill Murray parties planned featuring karaoke and 1,000 drunk people riding around on bikes. Here is a write up and information about that party.

[Updated at 08-15-12 | 9:35 PM PDT] Bill Murray continued his party crashing tour in Minneapolis last night, this time with over 1,000 drunk people on bikes. Enjoy the pics!
Bill Murray Party Crashing Tour in Minneapolis, Minnesota

Video from the Bill Murray party in Minneapolis:

[Updated at 08-21-12 | 1:35 AM PDT] Video of a belly dancer in Boston where Bill Murray will be crashing parties on August 28th.

[Updated at 08-23-12 | 8:15 PM PDT] This girl wants Bill Murray to crash her party in Baltimore when he comes to town on the 26th.

[Updated at 08-26-12 | 1:15 PM PDT] Bill Murray Party Crashing Tour in Baltimore tonight. This Bill Murray party is at Barracuda’s Locust Point Tavern.
Bill Murray party in Baltimore

[Updated at 08-30-12 | 9:05 AM PDT] This is from Jacksonville, Florida where Bill Murray will be crashing parties tonight.
Bill Murray party in Jacksonville, Florida

[Updated at 09-07-12 | 4:35 PM PDT] Bill Murray will be in Texas this weekend to finish up his party crashing tour which ends in Austin on September 10th. This party at Royal Oak Bar & Grill is in Houston on the 9th.
Bill Murray party in Houston, Texas

[Updated at 09-08-12 | 6:35 PM PDT] Bill Murray party happening tonight at The Where House in Fort Worth, Texas.
Bill Murray party in Fort Worth, Texas

[Updated at 09-09-12 | 11:35 AM PDT] The Bill Murray Party Crashing Tour ends September 10th in Austin, Texas. Bill Murray talked to reporters in Fort Worth and told them he’s been thoroughly enjoying the tour so far. “It’s been an amazing 40 days of partying,” Murray said. “I’ve met a lot of great people, drank mass amounts of alcohol, and sung a lot of karaoke. I can’t wait to do this again next year.”
Bill Murray party in Austin, Texas

[Updated at 09-09-12 | 7:15 PM PDT] This Bill Murray party is happening tonight at the
WAR’HOUS Visual Studios in Houston.
Bill Murray party in Houston, Texas

[Updated at 09-10-12 | 4:00 PM PDT] Bill Murray ends his party crashing tour tonight in Austin, Texas. “It’s been fun,” Murray told reporters today in Austin. “But everything that is fun must eventually come to an end.”
Bill Murray in Austin, Texas

[Updated at 09-19-12 | 11:10 PM PDT] This is a great article talking about Bill Murray parties that happened in Houston on September 9th, click here.

[Updated at 09-19-12 | 11:12 PM PDT]
Bill Murray will crash at your house

MORE BILL MURRAY PARTY CRASHING NEWS:

[Updated at 10-15-12 | 8:00 PM PDT] Bill Murray crashes kickball game in New York, read more.”

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

RELATED NEWS

> Bill Murray Announces Party Crashing Tour

> Bill Murray Signs On For Ghostbusters 3

> Bill Murray’s Agent Will Be Attending Party In Phoenix On August 1st

> Bill Murray Shows Up In Phoenix: Kicks Off Party Crashing Tour With A Bang

‘Bill Murray’ by Kaiser Solzie

Obama Auctioning Off All Pot Seized In Drug Raids Since 2008

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/7/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT

Obama Auctioning Off Pot Seized In Drug Raids since 2008Washington DC — In a move said to raise funds for the war in Afghanistan, President Obama today announced plans to auction off all of the marijuana that has been seized in drug raids since 2008. The auctions are to be held in only the states that have legalized the drug and only to users with a medical marijuana card.

22-year-old Leland Hollandale from San Diego said he’s excited to participate in these auctions. “This is so cool. I’ll be able to buy my weed cheap, all off the broken dreams of others who are now in prison. I’m so stoked!”

Critics are quick to point out Obama’s stance on marijuana when he ran for President. “Back in 2008 when running for President, Obama said he would be lenient on marijuana laws, but since taking office he’s done just the complete opposite,” said 30-year-old Chris Roybal from New Mexico. “He’s conducted major raids in every state that has legalized marijuana. He’s seized billions of dollars worth of property and assets, ruined families, and put thousands of people in prison. All of this over a harmless plant that should be legal in the first place. He is by far the toughest President on marijuana in over 20 years.”

Paul Horner had his marijuana dispensary raided back in February and is now looking at 10 years in prison. “These auctions are beyond ridiculous. He’s taking the marijuana that’s been seized on a Federal level from states that have legalized it, and then selling it back to them. Obama is by far the biggest drug kingpin in the world and instead of being locked up in prison, he’s the President of The United States.”

Garret Roach, head of the DEA task force in California, said he’s excited about what Obama is doing. “We’ll be carefully watching and tracking everyone that’s buying marijuana from these auction houses. Obama already gave us the green light for raids in all 50 states at the beginning of his presidency. These auctions will give our organization so many new leads in the war on drugs. I can’t wait to make more seizures and put the bad guys in jail.”

Marijuana auction houses will be setting up in all major cities of states that have legalized the drug. Only people carrying a medical marijuana card will be allowed to participate. Users will be limited to two pounds of marijuana per month.

The DEA has setup a 24 hour hotline to answer any questions you may have and to find a marijuana auction house near you.

  • Marijuana Auction Hotline: (785) 273-0325
RELATED NEWS >>>
Obama Signs NTACT Into Law: Allows Waterboarding Marijuana Users

TSA Now Offering Free Gift With All Full Body Cavity Searches

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/6/2012 6:00:14 AM PDT

TSA Now Offering Free Gift With Full Body Cavity SearchesArlington, VA — Pressured by citizens outraged with the recent inappropriate actions taken by certain TSA screeners, free gifts will now be made available to anyone receiving a full body cavity search. The TSA believes giving out free gifts will be a great way to improve their image and reputation among the general public.

The TSA’s search procedures and full body scanners have been hot topics of discussion ever since 9-11. Supporters of the TSA and their search methods say this is a first line of defense against stopping terrorism. Critics on the other hand say this is a complete waste of tax payer money that invades personal freedoms and privacy and has proven to show no real results. Public outcry has increased over the years especially after some of the TSA’s recent blunders that have been caught on video, which have then gone viral on the internet.

An insider with the TSA, who chose to remain anonymous, says they are aware of the problems and that is one of the reasons these free gifts are being made available to the public. “We’ve heard all the complaints and horror stories. The long lines at the airport, the lack of privacy, stop touching my junk… we’ve heard it all. We’re also aware that anyone could pretty much get anything past these scanners if they really wanted to. We know that a bomb sniffing dog would be 100x more efficient and at 1/1000th of the cost, but then the lobbyists and makers of these scanners don’t get money. Though I think most of the negativity from the public will change once they start getting free gifts. Who wouldn’t want a free gift, especially after being anally penetrated by a complete stranger?”

TSA supervisor Paul Horner told reporters that he enjoys his work and takes it extremely serious. “I love what I do. I’m stopping these god*amn terrorists from killing more people. Everyday that I go to work I feel like I’m saving lives. Plus I get to see beautiful woman naked all day long. Lots of gross ones too, but hey, that comes with the job.”

The TSA says the free gifts are mainly comprised of things taken from people that come through the scanners. Joel Massanti a spokesman for the TSA explained to reporters what some of the free gifts will include. “If a traveler is giving us a hard time they’ll probably end up ‘missing’ a couple t-shirts or something in their luggage, so there’s a free gift for someone that’s just received a full body cavity search.” Massanti continued, “Plus I’m excited to say that we’re also giving out pretty amazing gift baskets too. They will contain things such as pecans, chocolates, crackers, cheese, and even a nice sparkling cider. All of this will be presented in a gorgeous wicker basket with a yellow bow. I think it’s going to be really nice to see the look on a traveler’s face as they are pulling up their pants to learn the news that they are getting a free gift basket. Who wouldn’t want to fly now?”

Don’t have the money to fly? No problem. Mitt Romney has you covered.

The TSA

Mitt Romney Leaving The Mormon Religion For Christianity

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/4/2012 4:15:52 PM PDT

Mitt Romney switches from Mormonism to ChristianityProvo, UT — Mormons around the world were shocked to learn today that Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has denounced his lifetime religion of Mormonism and is converting to Christianity. Mitt Romney held a press conference this afternoon and spoke to reporters to explain his actions.

“Most of the American people are of the Christian faith. It only makes sense as a Presidential candidate to be part of the majority. I will be whatever the people want me to be.”

Paul Horner from the Mormon council of Elders said he was disappointed in Romney’s decision today. “Do you know how much money we’re going to lose now without him paying his weekly 10% tithing? We’re probably going to have to shut down at least a dozen churches, maybe even a whole city. I just hope he still doesn’t expect to become a god of his own universe when he dies.”

Romney said he’s most excited about what the Christians refer to as ‘confession’. “If I become President and I do anything wrong, all I have to do is go to confession for 10 minutes, and then it’s like it never happened. I should have become a Christian years ago.”

Dean Huls who is an avid Romney supporter said he is confused with his decision today. “I don’t know why he’s doing this so close to the election. Most Christians already think Obama is a Muslim trying  to eradicate the Christian religion, plus he’s black. Romney could be a pedophile into satanic rituals and paganism… he’s still getting the Christian vote.”

Romney told reporters he’s giving a tax break to all carpenters and people with the name Jesus. “In addition to the tax breaks for people named Jesus, I’m also providing them with free healthcare since most people named Jesus don’t pay for it anyway.”

Romney said he got the idea to become Christian when his wife returned home pregnant after a three month cruise to the Bahamas. “Ann told me that since I couldn’t have impregnated her the only answer was immaculate conception. I can’t explain how happy we are to be a part in the second coming of Jesus Christ.” Romney continued, “Plus the Mormon religion is kind of odd with their beliefs in getting your own universe when you die and the woman becoming eternally pregnant. A god that created Adam and Eve who communicated with a talking snake and a human being that can walk on water just makes much more sense to me.”

Romney finished the press conference by informing reporters what his first duty as a Christian President will be if he becomes elected. “I will be working with Congress to pass laws against anyone possessing or wearing the Christian cross. The laws will be especially tough on churches who continue to display a cross anywhere on their building. A cross is the last thing Jesus would want to see when he returns.”