The Ass Press
Posted: 06/30/2012 6:05:14 PM PDT
Hollywood, CA — Just hours after People magazine revealed that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are calling it quits after five years of marriage, a source from the law firm that drew up the five year marriage contract has come forward with it’s details.
The source at the law firm, who wished to remain anonymous, says the marriage between Holmes and Cruise was just for show. The sole purpose of the heterosexual marriage was done for Scientology and preventing more gay rumors from circulating about Tom Cruise. “Homosexuality is a big no-no in Scientology. There was a lot of pressure coming down on Tom to appear straight. Scientology leader David Miscavige told him he was going to have to make a decision soon. It was either the ‘church’ or his gay lifestyle, he couldn’t have both. This was a way Tom Cruise could appear straight and keep in good standings with the ‘church’. It was also a great way to get Katie Holmes more attention and a quick payday. It was a win-win for both of them.”
According to the source at the law firm, here are just a few of the conditions of the contract:
#4 – Ms. Holmes will receive $3 million per year of marriage, with a $50 million bonus at the end of the fifth year. Ms. Holmes is required to pay $10 million to Mr. Cruise if she terminates the marriage before the five years.
#7 – After 11 years if Ms. Holmes is still with Mr. Cruise, the prenup and contract will become null and void. She is then entitled to half of Cruise’s entire fortune.
#12 – Must submit to random drug testing.
#17 – $10 million bonus per offspring produced.
#43 – Attend all required Scientology courses, classes and events.
#71 – Not allowed to speak of Scientology’s teachings and happenings to the press or any friends and family.
#95 – Must be accompanied by a Scientology chaperone(s) at all times.
#132 – Smile and agree with everything that Mr. Cruise says.
#141 – Give the appearance of happiness at all times.
#157 – No gay jokes of any kind. This includes calling the movie Top Gun, gay. Referring to the union as ‘Marriage: Impossible’. Or saying that Mr. Cruise has been in ‘A Few Good Men’.
#350 – Cannot speak ill of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard or make short jokes about David Miscavige. It is preferred that the joke telling be left in the hands of Mr. Cruise.
#690 – Cannot speak to anyone about the “special” male friends of Mr. Cruise.
#750 – Must live by the rituals, practices and laws of The Galactic Federation of Planets.
#857 – Xenu outfits are to be worn at all religious ceremonies and during mating sessions for offspring.
#915 – In the rare occurrence that Xenu returns to earth or Teegeeack, Ms. Holmes must accompany Mr. Cruise on the mothership or a vessel of his choosing, or forfeit any money earned.
#1256 – $10 million bonus for a surgically attached penis.
Paul Horner who is a spokesman for the ‘Church’ of Scientology denied these claims. “I don’t know what this guy from this law firm is talking about. He’s obviously sick. He’s probably gay himself or takes a lot of pills.” Horner then went on to say, “I can tell you for a fact that this will be investigated and he will be sued. I’m sure if he wasn’t so afraid of Scientology he wouldn’t be making up all of these ridiculous claims. We would be more than happy to help him with all of his mental problems, for a small fee.”
“We’re just so glad she’s finally free,” long time Katie Holmes fan Sarah Barkins said. “I’m just so happy Scientology and Tom Cruise can’t ruin her life anymore. Plus from the way this contract sounds, it looks like she’ll be walking away with some serious loot. I just hope she didn’t get the penis attachment.”
A representative for Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes could not be reached for comment at the time of this release.